


Saying Everything We Mean

by emalemaleigh



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Abuse, Alex is a buzzkill, Angst, College/University - AU, Emotional Abuse, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Frat Daddy KO, Friends to Lovers, Group chat, Insecurity, Jealousy, Major Character Injury, Mutual Pining, O’Solo, PREATH - Freeform, Semi-Slow Burn, Sohara is the Endgame, So’hara - Freeform, USWNT, soft, some smut, will they or won’t they?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:53:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 32,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22162858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emalemaleigh/pseuds/emalemaleigh
Summary: You have to understand, this wasn’t the plan. But plans change.OrSonnett is in way over her head when it comes to Kelley.Title comes from 3:15 by Bazzi
Relationships: Kelley O'Hara/Emily Sonnett, Kelley O'Hara/Hope Solo
Comments: 56
Kudos: 316





	1. First Day on a Brand New Planet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You were drooling."
> 
> ___  
> Title is a Jesse Jackson song.

_College_. The hallowed ground for any eighteen-year-old more than ready to leave home. Not that my home life is bad, I’m just ready to experience life on my own, outside of the bubble. It’s hard to carve out our own identity when no one can separate you from your twin. Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister, but we’re not the same. Where Emma is gentle and cautious, I am flying by the seat of my pants, not thinking more than 10 minutes ahead. Where I am loud, Emma is sheepish and quiet. But Emma gets the better grades and dates the popular guys, whereas I’m on an athletic scholarship for a reason and let’s just say, I’m not dating the popular guys.

The one thing I have is soccer. It’s what’s getting me out of my hometown to a place where no one has ever heard of “the Sonnett Sisters” and I can just be Emily. Emma and I had started out playing together when we were little but it was a hobby of hers, something that fell by the wayside to make room for things like boys and shopping trips. Soccer has always been my escape, the one thing in my life I can point to and say “Yes, I am good at this.” I had my pick of colleges recruiting me, but I wanted to have a fresh start, a place where no one knew my name. It wasn’t until later I realized everyone had been following my playing, even potential teammates. I just wanted my skills to speak for themselves, rather than my reputation for being loud and a little crazy. When it comes to soccer, you won’t find someone more serious. I think my parents were a little surprised that Stanford wanted me. They knew, and so did I, that academically, I’m not Stanford material. But this was one of the best programs in the country, and they wanted me. _Me_. In the end, there was no other school that made sense. Living in sunny California wasn’t too bad either, though my pasty skin might disagree.

Sussex Hall. My new dorm. The building was towering over me, threatening me with its size. My home for the next year. My parents had just left, having helped me unpack the car but decided it would “build character” to set up my dorm on my own, especially since my roommate wasn’t there yet. I’m rooming with a teammate, but I don’t know her name yet. So, I lugged bag after bag up the stairs, each one heavier than the last, until everything was inside the room. I immediately claimed the best closest to the window and unpacked. I didn’t hear a sound from the hallway or the quad for hours. I must have been the only person in the athlete dorm as of now. Deciding to take hold of this new found freedom, I turn on my speaker and blast the music.. But then, suddenly, I met my roommate.

Sam is a giant, literally, compared to me. I swear her hips come up to my shoulder. Okay, she’s not THAT tall, but you get the picture. But, a gentle giant. As she walked in, I must have startled her, rather than the other way around. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know you would be here before me. I should have knocked, I didn’t think…“ She's rambling.

“It's all good! I’m Emily, Emily Sonnett.” I hold out my hand to shake hers.

“Oh no, Sam Mewis is a hugger.” She envelops me in a bear hug, and I could tell this was the first of many. I think I got a good one.

We spent the rest of that first night in our room, getting to know each other and bonding over our shared love of Chinese food. Sam is going to be a midfielder for the team, I can see her as a protective force, a closer. _The Tower of Power, ooh that’s good_.

***

I wish I could say my morning was perfect and that everything went exactly according to plan, but no one would have believed that anyways. When my alarm blared, I fell out of bed reaching for the snooze. I landed right on my hip, luckily without seriously hurting myself, but it’s going to be a huge bruise. I scramble off the floor to turn off the alarm, anxious about waking Sam up. We’ve only known each other for a day, and I don’t want her to hate me by day two. But when I look over, her bed is empty and made up.

“Remind me to never let you loft your bed.” She says, walking out of the bathroom, towel drying her hair. A shower, that probably would have been a good idea since we’re about to meet our new teammates for the first time, whoops. There was no time now, so I guess this is as good as it’s going to get.

If I thought that showing up un-showered was going to be my biggest issue, boy was I wrong. We arrived at the field to see all the other players already in a group, listening to coach talking. I quickly realized everyone else seemed to know something we didn’t. Apparently here at Stanford, showing up on time means being 15 minutes early. Somehow, the other freshmen had already found out, or they were so nervous they showed up early on their own. Lindsey and Mal, whose names I learned later, seem that way. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear they had shown up an hour early. Sam and I were both bright red as we sat down in the back, hoping coach didn’t see us. No such luck, coach looked at us, shook her head, and continued talking. I wish I could say I was paying attention to everything that was being said, but that would a be a lie. Sitting in front of me, a brunette girl with a face full of freckles turned around to check out who was showing up late, she smirked at me before turning back around. So, I found myself staring at the back of her head for the next twenty minutes, hoping she would turn around again. Her hair was pulled into a loose bun with the baby hairs on her neck curling ever so slightly, a contrast to the rest. Her shoulders were square, muscular. Another defender? I can only hope. I was finally pulled out of my trance when Sam elbowed me, _hard_.

“What the hell did you do that for?”

“You were drooling.” She says quietly and winks at me. Yeah, I’ve got a good roommate.

When the team meeting was finished, we were released. Our first actual practice would be on Monday after classes, today had been an informal meeting. I had planned to go back to the dorm to go back to sleep, but as Sam and I started back towards our dorm, someone shouted at us.

“Oh no, freshies! You’re coming with us!” I turn around to see that same freckled face waving me toward her. “Come on, we’re getting breakfast!” She gestured to the three other girls with her. A tall, thin brunette who carried a ball smiled at us and the other two, one blond one brunette, were yelling. “Let's go! We’re starving!” And so, we went. Something tells me I'll never have the willpower to say no to this girl.

“Alright freshies, welcome to Stanford! We’re your favorite juniors, this is Tobin” the one carrying the ball, “Alex” the brunette “Allie” the blonde “and I’m Kelley.” _Kelley_. She rattles off while filling her cup of coffee at the station in the dining hall. “Your turn.” She says, looking back at me and Sam.

“She’s Sam and I’m Emily but call me Sonnett.”

“Alright then, Sonnett it is.” She smiles over the rim of her cup before taking a sip. Her eyes linger on me, looking me up and down before making eye contact. She’s not shy though, she doesn’t hide it, instead she just smirks.

We spent the next hour or so getting to know one another. About six times while we were there, Alex had to stop Tobin from bouncing the ball on the table or on the floor. I can already tell that Alex is the actual leader of this group, the baby-sitter. Tobin seems to be incapable of sitting still, especially without her ball. Allie is too busy stuffing herself with the free day-old bagels from the bakery section of the café. Kelley is the loudest though, but not just to be loud. She is sure to make her presence known and eager to give her opinion. She’s smaller than the others, but I can tell she can be big if she wants. She takes the seat next to me and nudges my shoulder.

“I like Emily better.” That’s all it took to turn me into a puddle on the floor. 

“I guess I can make an exception.” I wink at her. _Where did that confidence come from?_

 _“_ For me? You’re too kind!” She smiles back. “So, you’re coming to the party tonight, right? What am I saying? You don’t have a choice.”

“What party?” I ask, confused.

“You really don’t pay attention do you?” She jokes. “It’s Saturday, the first weekend of the semester? Soccer house is going to rage tonight.”

“Soccer house?” I was getting more confused by the minute.

“A lot of the girls on the team share this big house close to downtown. We always throw the best parties.”

“You live there too?” I asked, trying not to sound too eager.

“No, I live in an apartment with Alex. Though Alex is never there, so I spend a lot of time at the house.” I look over at Alex, who was laughing at something Sam said.

“Why isn’t Alex ever there?” I’m not even sure why I asked, or what answer I was looking for.

“Her boyfriend, Servando, has his own apartment and she practically lives there.”

“Well, that’s nice. No one there to hog the bathroom or steal the last piece of leftover pizza.” She nods seriously, agreeing. “What about you, hanging out at any boys’ apartments of your own?” _Again, where is this coming from?_ It’s like I can’t control the words coming out. But I do know what answer I want this time. As I’m waiting for her answer, I can hear Alex calling for Kelley, telling her it was time to leave.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” _Yes, yes, I would like to know_. She stands up and then holds out a hand to help me. “I’ll see you at the party tonight, Em. Wear something nice.”


	2. The Drinks We Drank Last Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Awfully presumptuous of you? We only just met today.”  
> ____  
> Title is Azure Ray

_Wear something nice_. What does that even mean? I’m still trying to figure out the answer later in the evening. I did shower though, so at least I’ll smell nice. Sam was ready to go in about ten minutes. She has that effortless style, anything that she puts on makes her look good. Not that she’s trying to impress anyone tonight, she told me that first night all about her adorable boyfriend back home in Massachusetts. 

“What about these?” I hold up a pair of worn jean shorts with holes in all the right places. Sam nods approvingly. Now which top? 

Finally, we are heading out of the dorm. The sun had just finished setting and the students were starting to come out of the woodwork. I guess I’m the only one that didn’t understand that Saturday night and partying are synonymous in college. I also didn’t realize that California nights weren’t always as warm as the songs and movies make you think. At least I’m not like some of these girls in their tight skirts and heels, can’t imagine walking home in those. I opted for a trusty pair of sneakers that matched the dark green tank I was wearing. Who says fashion can’t be comfortable? 

As we were walking, Sam again proved she’s the brains behind our operation. “Son, we don’t know how to get to the house.” _Shit_. Kelley hadn’t given us directions and I didn’t have hers or the others’ numbers to text. 

“I guess we follow the masses? Kelley said it was going to be big. Maybe big enough we can’t miss it.” 

About ten minutes later, we were saved. Two other girls from the team, Julie and Crystal, found us wandering. They were sophomores that lived on campus like Sam and me. They led us to the promised land, The Soccer House, a huge, old craftsman-style home with a spacious front porch. I could hear the music pounding from the street and saw the partygoers mingling on the lawn. 

“Let’s go ladies! The dance floor awaits!” Crystal says, skipping off to the front door. 

Making our way inside, I’m immediately accosted by Alex. “You any good at beer pong?” _This feels like a trap._

“I’m alright.” But she didn’t wait for my answer, instead she drags me toward the kitchen. 

With the amount of people crowding around, you would have never known the pong table was there, if not for the yelling. Whoever was playing it was definitely a tight match. Alex used me as a human shield to shove through the crowd. On one side of the table we’re two beefy frat guys, or maybe football players? But on the other side was Kelley, just Kelley, and it looks like she’s winning. Soon enough she spots me and rejoices. 

“Em! Thank god, Allie was my partner, but she wandered off somewhere. I’ve been fending these idiots off as long as I could alone.” She grins at me. She’s wearing black jeans and a cropped white top, her abs just barely peeking out _. Damn, she’s hot._

“Wait, Alex I thought you were asking me to be your partner?” I say looking back and forth between them. 

“Ha! No, I’m awful. I wouldn’t wish my partnership on my worst enemy. Except maybe…” but she doesn’t get to finish as Kelley takes my hand and pulls me into the game. 

“Alright, Em. This is the big leagues now, we’re tied 2-2.” 

“Kel, I haven’t even had a beer yet, you and I both know beer pong skills spike in ratio to alcohol consumed.” 

“Ah, you’re smarter than you look! Somebody get my girl a beer!” _Her girl?_ I don’t know if I’m supposed to be offended but she still hasn’t let go of my hand so that must be a good sign, right? A partygoer tossed Kelley a beer from outside the circle that had formed around the table. I take it and chug, a skill I had all but perfected in high school. 

“Alright, I’m ready, Kel!” 

Not only did we beat the football guys, we ran the table for the next hour. We were untouchable, making up trick shots and winning handshakes. Though, there was a lot of touching on her end. Whether it was placing her hands on my hips to move around me, or grabbing my hand, nervous about whether the guy’s shot would go in, and my personal favorite, jumping onto me, wrapping her legs around my waist when we won. At some point though, Kelley decided she was done. She led me out onto the back porch where it wasn’t as loud. 

She tossed me a beer from the cooler before grabbing one for herself. “So, tell me more about Emily Sonnett.” She sits on the porch railing. 

“What do you want to know?” I can tell by the look in her eye that she doesn’t want to hear about my pension for slide tackles. 

“Everything.” She makes direct eye contact with me and the air feels charged. Like what I tell her might determine the outcome of this evening. 

“I’ve always been compared to my twin sister. I picked a school across the country so I could be my own person.” It’s a deep sentiment for the middle of a college party. 

“There’s two of you?” Her eyes go wide. 

“Yes, but we’re totally different people. I’m the wild one.” I smile at her and I swear, for a second, I see Kelley’s eyes darken. “What about you? Tell me more about Kelley...” And I realize I don’t even know her last name yet. 

“O’Hara. I’m no good at being alone. That’s why I’m here all the time rather than my own apartment.” _What about being alone with someone? What would she say to that?_

_“_ Give me your phone.” She looks at me, quizzically. “Just give it.” And she hands it over, sliding it out of her back pocket. I quickly program in my number and hand it back. “There. Now you have someone to call if you don’t want to be alone.” She looks from her phone and then back to me. For a moment, there's a tenderness in her eye, before the bubbly comes back. 

“Awfully presumptuous of you? We only just met today.” And she winks. 

“Another thing for you to learn about me.” 

“I like a girl that knows what she wants.” _Was that a confirmation? Did she just admit to being into girls?_ She hops off the railing and comes over toward me. She leans in, whispering in my ear. “I’m used to getting what I want too.” I almost fell over. 

“Come on, let’s go dance.” And she takes my hand, navigating through the crowd toward the dance floor. 

Watching Kelley dance was hypnotic. She was free, having the time of her life and bringing me into it. She turns around, pulling me in until my front is mashed up against her back, and starts to grind to the music. My hands wrap around and take her hands in mine. 

I don’t know how this happened, but I don’t want to question it. Why she wanted to do this with _me_ of all people. Instead, I bury my face in her hair, still smelling of what I assume is honey in her shampoo and move to the beat. She laces her fingers in mine and lays her head back on my shoulder, exposing her neck to me. I consider myself fairly experienced when it comes to women, but she seems different. She _feels_ different, like uncharted territory that I want to explore. I lean in, ghosting my lips on her neck. I can hear her breath hitch, her hands squeezing mine as they slowly wander higher off her hips to that exposed skin. Crop tops really are an incredible invention. 

“Keep going, Em.” She speaks low into my ear, almost animalistic. There are very few people that ever call me Em, but no one makes it sound as good as she does. 

And so, I do. I pepper her neck up and down with kisses and quick nips with my teeth as she grinds harder into me. I slip one knee in between her legs, giving her something to work against. The warmth in my core continues to build as she lets go my hands to snake hers around my neck. 

“Kel.” I whisper into her ear, but it comes out like a growl. “Do you want to leave?” But before I get my answer, we’re interrupted. _Fucking Alex._

Alex comes over and yanks Kelley out of my arms. Her eyes are bloodshot but I’m not positive it's from crying or drinking, or both. 

“Kelley!”’ Okay, it's definitely crying. “He left! He left without me, he told me not to come with him. He said he didn’t want me there!” She’s near hysterics. Kelley looks at me, as if trying to decide which was more important. Of course, I want her to choose me, but I know she won’t. One night of drinking and dancing, very hot dancing, does not outweigh a best friend. She gives me a sympathetic look and squeezes my hand tight, leaving me alone in the middle of the dance floor. 

I found Sam and she took one look at the depressed/blue-balled ( _is there a female equivalent?_ ) look on my face and said. “Alright, Son. Let's get you home.” I think I was a little more drunk then I realized, as I stumbled all the way home to our dorm. When we got back, Sam helped me change into my sweats and put me into bed. As I’m about to shut my eyes, my phone vibrates on the bedside table. 

**Kelley** : I’m sorry. 

**Em** : It's okay, best friends are important too. 

**Kelley** : No, it's not okay. Alex and Serv go through this every weekend. I was having fun ;)

**Em** : You were right, soccer parties rock.

**Kelley** : Funny, it wasn’t the party I was enjoying. 

**Kelley** : For once, I wish I was alone. 

_Is she about to give me blue balls again?_

**Em** : What would you being doing if you were? 

_Daring,_ _Em_ _. Careful what you wish for._

**Kelley** : It's not what, Em. Its who. 

_Fucking Alex._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to just dangle the bone right in front of you! Hope y'all are enjoying!


	3. Just Watch the Fireworks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't be weird, Son."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tobin seems like someone who uses abbreviations when texting.

First day of college classes. I haven’t decided what I want to study yet so I thought I’d try a hodgepodge. The one thing I do know is I’m getting this 8am lecture changed, pronto. I’m barely awake, sitting in the back row. It’s only the first day but this professor doesn’t seem to subscribe to the “we don’t learn anything during Syllabus Week” idea. Instead we’re already taking notes. 

I won’t lie and say I’m paying complete attention. We all know I’m pretty much incapable of that by now, right? Kelley hasn’t texted me since that night. I haven’t seen her around either. 

Sometimes I wonder if I imagined that moment, but it’s still too vivid to be a dream. I’ve never been one to follow the rules, especially when it comes to women. I’ve found myself falling into bed with girls in high school without really getting to know them. But in those cases, I didn’t really care if it happened again. Usually there was alcohol involved and the other girl was “experimenting” with me. I like sex, who doesn’t? But something tells me if we’d gone back to Kelley’s apartment that night, it wouldn’t be just one night. I can’t explain how she already has this hold on me, we’ve literally known each other for two days but I can’t stop thinking about her. Her hands in my hair, the feeling of sliding my hands along her abs, those images will never leave my brain. 

I’m suddenly pulled out of my thoughts as my phone vibrates, loudly, causing everyone in the lecture to turn and look at me. I slide down in my seat and open up the message. 

**Alex** : Sonnett, it’s your favorite juniors! 

**Allie** : waddupppp 

**Allie** : she needs a nickname, you can’t be part of the group without one. 

**Tobin** : R we getting food or nah? 

**Alex:** Wormy, it has to come naturally, we can’t just assign one 

**Allie** : boo, i disagree. calling her sonny for now 

**Tobin** : fooooood plz 

**Sonnett** : Present 

**Tobin** : Dude I gotta eat, where r we going 

**Allie** : harry is hangry 

**Allie** : lol 

**Tobin** : Alex I s2g if you take me somewhere vegan… 

**Alex** : Meet at the usual? 

_Um… where is that?_

**Allie** : perf see ya in 20? 

**Tobin** : Already dreaming about my bagel 

**Sonnett** : Um, where is the usual? I’m new here, remember? 

**Kelley** : Em, she’s talking about the sandwich place on College Ave, just off campus. 

_Well look who decided to join the conversation._ _And she’s still calling me Em._

**Sonnett** : Thanks, Kel. I’ll head there after this class. 

**Sonnett** : Never let me sign up for an 8am again 

**Tobin** : Dudeeee rookie mistake 

**Alex:** Oh, you sweet summer child. We’ll pump you full of coffee, don’t worry 

_Game of Thrones, Alex? Touche._

**Kelley** : What a dummy 

My class ended and I made my way to the sandwich shop, this time I didn’t get lost. A small, cozy store with mismatched armchairs, filled with students working on their laptops while mainlining iced coffee, and small booths. 

“Sonnett!” Alex calls to me from one of booths in the corner. For whatever reason, Alex, Tobin and Allie are all squeezed into one side of the table. I assume it was their attempt to be polite and save room for the newbie, unwittingly placing me next to Kelley. Although, the look in Kelley’s eye tells me it might have be intentional on her part. 

“Don’t be weird, Son. Just sit.” Alex says, causing me to break my eye contact with Kelley. 

“You guys don’t have to squeeze; I can pull a chair up for myself.” Sitting next to Kelley was a bad idea, I could already tell. 

“Don't worry, Tobin is so skinny it’s like she's not even here.” 

“But she is bony as hell.” Allie quips. Tobin just smiles and shrugs. 

There’s nothing left for me to do except sit. So, I slide into the booth, being sure to leave a good amount of room between myself and Kelley and pick up a menu. “So, what’s good here?” I ask. 

Kelley scoots toward me and leans over just enough for me to smell her shampoo. “The chicken salad is good, the veggie wrap is bangin’, but the avocado toast is like sex on a plate.” She makes sure to catch my eye as she says it. 

“God, Kelley, don’t be gross.” Alex gags. 

“But I’m not wrong, am I?” She waggles her eyebrows and Alex, who sighs and then nods. 

“It is really good, Son.” 

“Alright then, that’s what I’ll have.” 

“Good choice.” Kelley says, smiling. 

All the sudden, I can feel her hand rest on my thigh under the table. I shoot her a look and she just stares back, challenging me. She’s gaging whether I’ll react in front of the others. Her fingers begin to trace small patterns and I have to work to control my breathing. 

“So Sonnett, are you ready for your first collegiate practice today?” Tobin says, forcing me to ignore Kelley’s hand. 

“More than ready. I’ve got a lot of pent up energy I need to get out.” I feel Kelley slide her hand farther up my thigh. She understood the comment in ways the others could never. 

“Tobs, what is your plan for hiding Christen from coach this year? I’m surprised she hasn’t figured it out yet, you guys are not subtle.” Allie says in between bites of her sandwich. 

“Who’s Christen?” I ask, highly confused. 

“Toby’s girlfriend!” Alex coos, causing Tobin’s face to turn bright red as she stares down at her plate. 

“Why would you hide her? That’s not the best way to keep a girlfriend...” This makes no sense. 

“Son, Christen is on the team too. Coach has a very strict rule about ‘fraternizing’ with other teammates.” Alex uses air quotes to show her sarcasm and annoyance. Not sure why she needs to be annoyed, she’s straight and has nothing to worry about. I, on the other hand, have become even more acutely aware of the fingers toying with the hem of my shorts. 

*** 

In high school, I was pretty much a stud. I helped our school and my club team hold records for shut outs and was named Defensive Player of the Year in Georgia twice. Here at Stanford? I’m out of shape. In our first practice I swear we ran more than I did in the last year with my club team. The sprints? The long run at the end? I’m surprised I’m still alive. 

I got to meet more members of the team, all who seemed not to break a sweat during this workout. Julie and Crystal, our saviors that night on the way to the party, are best friends and part of the defensive unit. Becky, the defensive captain, was scary good and extremely intimidating. I hope by my senior year I’m half as good as her. Ali, also a senior, might be the sweetest person I’ve ever met. She is dating Ashlyn, our goalie, and seem like total opposites. Ash is loud and I’m pretty sure she knows every curse word there is. I met Christen, Tobin’s girlfriend briefly. She’s a forward too so at least they can spend time together. And then there was Kelley. Of course, she’s a forward. It makes sense, really, she's dynamic and flamboyant when she plays. I had just selfishly hoped to play side-by-side. Though I imagine seeing her backside in front of me all the time wouldn’t be too bad. 

When we finished practice, it was time to hit the showers. I was so sore that my walk probably resembled that of a baby penguin waddle. I stood in the shower, just letting the warm water hit me. All of the sudden, the door to the locker is slammed, _hard._ I grab my towel and follow the sound. What I see is Kelley, throwing things into her bag with exponential force. She picks up her water bottle and hurls it at the wall, making an awful metallic sound. I see Alex and I try to get her to give some sign about what’s going on. She gave me a look as if to tell me to run, that I shouldn’t get caught up in whatever Kelley’s drama was. But it was like I was glued to the spot. When she whirled around, I assume to find something else to throw, she spotted me. Her eyes were bloodshot, hair disheveled, and I could see a tiny tremble in her hand. When she makes eye contact, I can see the tears threatening to push through. She just stares at me with a wild look her eye, one I haven’t seen yet. Before I can say something, she spins on her heel, leaving all her belongings strewn around. It’s only then that I realize everyone else had left except Alex and me. Had I been in the shower that long? Did Alex try to get everyone to clear out before Hurricane Kelley made landfall? 

“Alex, what...” 

But she cuts me off. “Coach is moving her to defense. Says her... What was the word she used? Tenacity would be helpful. She’s two goals away from becoming Stanford’s all-time leading scorer.” 

“I-I don’t know what to say.” Is it selfish of me to want her on the backline with me? To want to spend every moment I can with her? Probably. I hate that those were my first thoughts. And that look she gave me before walking out? I thought she was going to attack me. 

“I thought I’d gotten everyone out before she came in. She doesn’t like people seeing her upset. She’s not as tough as she looks sometimes. So, I’m sorry you had to see that and I’m sure she is too. It’ll just take some time. I can’t blame her though; I would be pissed too if I got put on defense.” 

“Hey!” I say, defensively. _Good one, Son._

_“_ She’s going to need help, you know. And she’s going to be too stubborn to ask.” Alex gives me a look. “I may have been drunk on Saturday but not enough to forget seeing you two basically dry-humping each other on the dance floor.” She scrunches up her face in disgust and I can feel my face get hot. 

“We...” 

“Son, I don’t care. I’m not Kelley’s keeper nor do I want to be. All that I care about is that she is vulnerable right now, in more ways than one, and she won’t ask for help. Right now, she’s pissed at me cause I’m still in my position. But you, maybe you could help.” _Okay, maybe Alex isn’t too bad._

_“_ What should I do?” 

“I don’t know yet.” 

Alex and I walked out of the locker room and back onto the residential side of campus. From there, we parted ways as she walked to her car, headed to her (and Kelley’s) apartment, while I headed back to the dorm. 

“Hey, Alex?” I ask. 

“What’s up, Sonny?” 

“You’re not going to tell Coach about Kelley and me at the party, are you?” 

“No, of course not. Just like I won’t tell her about Kelley feeling you up under the table at breakfast this morning.” She winked at me before walking off. I’m pretty sure my jaw was on the pavement. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do we think? Hope you liked it!


	4. A Hand to Take Hold of the Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What do we do, Alex?”
> 
> —-  
> Title is Okkervil River

I didn’t immediately go check on Kelley, although I really wanted to and wished I had. I wished I could comfort her and show her it would be alright. But I didn’t know if it would and I can’t blame her for that meltdown, I’d have done the same thing. Besides, if I’m being honest, we don’t know each other that well. I know that I’ve almost put my hands down her pants but I don’t know her favorite color. I don’t know how she might handle this kind of change and Alex already told me Kelley doesn’t like people to see her vulnerable. So I pretend I didn’t see her that day in the locker room. When we all arrived at practice the next day, I did my best to avoid her eyes for as long as I could. For the next few days, we barely spoke. I didn’t want her to feel like she needed to apologize for how she was acting or feel like she needed to explain herself to me. But when it came time to break up into position groups, Kelley looks crestfallen. She had automatically made her way towards the forward group before stopping dead in her tracks and turning back towards the defense group. She kept her head down, not making eye contact with anyone.

Kelley is going to be an incredible defender. I could tell that after one practice, and now she’s been working at it for over a week. Coach was right, she has more tenacity than most of the other girls. She’s tough, never backs off, and doesn’t let her match-up get loose. Maybe it’s because she can see the game through a forward’s eye too, but she is always one step ahead, cutting off the pass before her opponent even thinks about it. But I can tell her heart isn’t in it today, that she’s not totally focused on the task at hand. She steps to each challenge with ferocity, almost too much for a training session. She goes in for a tackle on Julie and realizes too late that her timing is off and she didn’t get any ball. Instead she clips her ankle.

“Oh god, JJ I’m so sorry are you okay?” She asks frantically.

“It’s all good, Kel. Just going to be a bruise.”

But Kelley is obviously shaken up. She shakes her head. “I’m so sorry. I don’t think I can do this.” And she turns toward the locker room, despite Coach calling her back. Alex catches my eye, she nods her head in Kelley’s direction, telling me to go check on her. _Why me?_ I try to decipher her expression but then Coach is calling everyone back together. I slip out of the crowd and back towards the locker room. I find Kelley slumped on the floor, leaning up against a row of lockers. It’s obvious she’d been crying. She sees me and wipes her face quickly.

“What are you doing in here?” It’s not accusatory, more out of curiosity.

“I’m the newbie, they figure if you go into a rage it’s better to take me out instead of Alex. They kind of need her.”

“Don’t remind me.” She says coldly. That was the wrong thing to say, I can tell.

“They need you too. We need you, the team.” I hesitate for a moment, searching her face for some kind of clues. “I need you.”

I slide down the wall to sit next to her. We sit there for a while, neither of us speaking. I listen as her breathing starts to steady and her fists uncoil, showing little half-moon nail marks on her palms from squeezing so tight.

“I’d never take it out on you.” She says it so quietly, at first I think I made it up. But then she turns her head slightly to look at me.

“Why not?”

“It’s not your fault. It’s not your problem. You don’t know.” She gently lays her head on my shoulder.

“Tell me?” It comes out a little more strained than I’d hoped for, close to pleading. What could she possibly be holding back that I’d need to know? It’s not my business, we’re not… we’re not anything really. Teammates that have gotten touchy, nothing more. She doesn’t respond immediately, making me question whether or not I should have asked.

She sighs, keeping her head glued to my shoulder. “I can’t. I want to, but I can’t.” Not really what I was expecting. But it does dawn on me that this may not be just soccer related. “I wouldn’t want you to think less of me, Em.” Does she know what she doing to me?

“Never” is all I can say. And even that sounds cracked with emotion. What is going on in her life that she feels she can’t tell me? And if she did tell me, what could it be to make me think less of her? I rest my head on top of hers, breathing her in. This time, instead of the honey shampoo, it was a mixture of sweat and soap. We just sit there, silently for a long time. Kelley reaches across my lap and takes my hand, lacing our fingers together and I rub absentminded circles with my thumb.

But then our moment is interrupted, loudly. Alex comes storming in, her eyes full of fire.

“How long, Kelley?” I wish I could just disappear into the wall behind me. This feels like I’m about to find out what Kelley didn’t want me to know. Kelley pulls her hand away from mine, standing.

“Alex, please.”

“HOW LONG? Allie saw her on campus this morning.” She shouts, taking me aback. _Her?_ I haven’t known Alex that long but this anger is not something I suspected she’d be capable of. “Kelley, I swear. Has she been in our apartment?” _She?_

“No, Alex. I promise.” Kelley sounds so small, so ashamed. Like she’s been caught in a lie. Which, from what I can tell, she has.

“Kelley, if I see her near you, I won’t hold back. She knows better. YOU know better.” _What is going on?_

“Just leave it alone, Al. I’m a big girl.” This time she sounds defensive, like they’ve had this conversation before, maybe multiple times. Alex looks a little hurt by Kelley’s comment, like she wasn’t expecting it.

“Well, when it happens again, I’ll be here.”

“You don’t even know what’s happening!” Kelley’s frustration is growing. I’m pretty sure the two of them have completely forgotten I’m here too.

“Maybe not but I know how it’ll end.” Alex sounds like my mom when she found out I was “dating” a girl in the grade above me. It was her way of warning me that I was more invested than this other girl. Turns out she was right, it lasted about two months, and it was all in secret.

“God, Alex. You’re not my mom!” And with that, Kelley leaves the locker room.

Alex just stands there, shocked. After a minute, I pull myself up off the floor.

“Hey, Al? Are you okay?”

“Sonnett? Where did you come from?” She gasps, I’ve startled her.

“I’ve been in here. You sent me to check on Kelley, remember?”

It’s all coming back to Alex. “Yes, of course.” She sighs, “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“What was that? What’s going on with her? She said she was dealing with something but ‘didn’t want me to think less of her’. Does that have to do with this?”

Alex looks stricken, pained. “Yeah, I imagine this is what she was talking about.”

“Can you tell me?” Again, it sounds more like begging than I’d ever want.

“Hope.”

“Hope?”

“Yeah, Hope. Kelley’s ex-girlfriend. She got kicked off the team last semester for getting into fights and saying stupid shit on social media. The school suspended her but I guess she’s back now. Every time something’s gone wrong in Kelley’s life over the past few years she runs to Hope, no matter how poorly Hope treats her.”

“Did she hit Kelley?” Even the thought of some unknown stranger laying a finger on that freckled skin makes my blood boil.

“God, no. She wouldn’t have any hands left.” At least that gets a chuckle out of me. At least there’s that, I couldn’t live with myself knowing someone was hurting her. “No, but what Hope does is just as bad. There may be no physical abuse but she’s the poster child for emotional abuse. If we had a bad game, she’d blame Kelley for not working hard enough and withhold her affection until Kelley agreed that it was her fault. She got really good at keeping Kelley away from the rest of us, not letting her attend team events if Hope couldn’t be there. But Kelley loved her. Or still does, I’m not sure. All I do know is that I’ve made my stance on Hope very clear. They had broken up after she got kicked off the team, I thought that was it. But of course Hope seems to have weaseled her way back in. Kelley doesn’t know how to say no to her, even when she tries.”

I don’t even know what to say. To hear that Kelley has been subjected to abuse like this breaks my heart. And she didn’t tell me because she thought I would think less of HER. As if this was all her fault. I think about her change in demeanor over the past couple of days. She had gone from being handsy under the table at breakfast to stone cold and I had just attributed it to the whole changing positions problem. But now I can see that problem was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. She had been hurting and couldn’t ask for help, been too scared to ask.

“What do we do, Alex?”

“We wait. Sooner or later Kelley will come home crying and say it’s over, for the millionth time. And I’ll hold her and let her cry, then they’ll break up. It’s a vicious cycle she’s stuck in. I thought maybe when I saw you with her, things would change.” That comment catches me off-guard.

“What do you mean?”

“She likes you, I can tell.” Alex says, giving my hand a squeeze. “I thought maybe if she wanted to be with you, that would keep her from going back to Hope.” I hang my head, the exact same thought had just crossed my mind as well.

“Sorry, guess we need a plan C.”

“I don’t know, Son. I think she does want to be away from Hope, she just doesn’t know how to push her away. Don’t give up on her quite yet. She doesn’t let just anyone in, you know, you’re definitely special.” She smiles at me. And with that, the rest of the team starts filing in, indicating the end of training. “Don’t worry, I’ll explain what happened to Coach. She knows the whole saga.” She gives me one more squeeze before walking off.

“What the hell happened?” A voice from behind me asks. Sam sits down next to me, looking concerned.

“I’ll explain at home.” I tell her. And I do tell her. I tell her about it all, and she listens. When I’m finished, she hugs me tight.

“You think we can find Hope’s address? I keep a baseball bat in my car.” Sam is the best.

***

 **Kelley** : I’m sorry

 **Kelley** : I wish there was something more to say

 **Em** : As long as you’re okay, I’m okay

 **Kelley** : Alex told you, didn’t she?

 **Em** : Only the basics

 **Em** : I told her you would tell me the rest if you wanted

 **Em** : But you don’t have to

 **Kelley** : I don’t deserve you, Em

 **Em** : You deserve whatever, and whoever you want Kel

 **Em** : Don’t let anyone tell you different

 **Kelley** : Come over?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> O’Solo fans,  
> Don’t hurt me plz


	5. My Attendance is Bad but My Intentions Are Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You barely know me.” 
> 
> “I know enough.”
> 
> ______  
> Title is PlayRadioPlay!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its been a little while so this one is a bit longer.

I knock lightly on the door. Her apartment is only a 10 minute walk from my own dorm. I can hear a shuffle of footsteps coming towards me. She opens the door and shows me a soft smile, dressed in sweatpants and an over-sized t-shirt. Her hair was sticking up in a few places and her eyes were bloodshot, she had been crying. For a moment I just look at her and try to imagine someone wanting to hurt this beautiful creature standing before me. That someone saw how beautiful she is and tore her down. She’s got her arms crossed in front of her chest and I can see that she’s been picking at skin around her thumb, something I do when I’m nervous too. 

“Hi.” She says feebly, leading me into the living room. I follow her to sit on the couch. She curls her legs in, close to her chest. It’s heartbreaking to watch her close herself off, protect herself, as if I was going to hurt her. 

“Kel, we don’t have to talk about it. Not right now, anyway.” I try to reassure her that she is safe with me. 

“I want to explain.” She steels herself, her voice a little stronger this time. I nod, giving her the green light. “Hope and I are the reason Coach has her rule about teammates getting together, it got ugly. This has been going on since my first week of freshman year. Hope is a year older than me and at the time she was like, the star of the team. It made me feel special that she took an interest in me, that she wanted to hang out with a lowly freshman. And so, we got together. I should have known right away something was different when she told me not to tell Becky or Alex we were having sex. I just thought she wanted to have time where it was just us, no interruptions. But later, I found out it was because she was fucking some other girls too, a girl from the basketball team and some girl on the swim team. It was six months before I found out, and I was devastated and I broke up with her.” _I’m going to kill this girl._ “She was right, though. No one wants someone who’s clingy, or a people-pleaser.” _I would._ “So, when she got back the other day, I was so happy to see her and be with her again, but she was so mad at me and said I need to earn my way back into her good graces.” _What kind of strange, psychic hold does this chick have on her?_ I start to make a comment but she cuts me off. “I know Alex hates her, but I know, underneath, Hope is a good person. I think I love her. Her coming back, it’s different this time.” _Love?_ _Oh, Kelley._

She just looks at me, waiting for me to say something. But I have no clue how to navigate this situation, no idea what the right thing to say might be. All I want right now is to make her feel better, make her feel safe. So, I motion her into me, wrapping her in a tight hug. We just sit there for a while, my arms tight around her. 

“You’re not mad at me?” She whispers into my shirt. 

“At you? What would I be mad at you?” I reach up and stroke the hair on top of her head. I know what she’s going to say though. I try to stave it off a little longer. 

“I feel like I’ve been misleading you. Hope says I’m too flirty.” _Hope can go fuck herself._

_“_ Kelley, it’s okay. I just want you to be happy. I think you’re wonderful and that you deserve the world and all I want is to be sure you know that too.” I lean down and plant a soft kiss on her head. 

“You barely know me.” 

“I know enough.” And I squeeze her tight. We stay like that for what feels like hours. 

*** 

At the end of Friday’s practice, I met Hope. She was waiting in the parking lot to pick Kelley up. She’s tall, muscular, with RBF like I’ve never seen. She doesn’t wave or say hello to any of her former teammates, she had no interest in any of us. It’s only because Kelley drags her out of the car that she says anything. 

“Hope, this is Em. Emily Sonnett. She’s been helping me with my defense transition.” 

“Oh, that’s right. You know Kel, defense is probably better for you anyways. You’re too small and fragile to be a forward.” _Fragile? That’s rich_ _coming from you_ _, Hope_ _._

“I don’t know, I may be new here but it seems like she was doing alright for herself.” I say it In a joking manner, but Hope shoots daggers at me. 

“I’m aware of her goals, if that’s what you mean.” She snakes an arm around Kelley’s waist, making Kelley tense and look around to make sure coach wasn’t watching. We had done enough wind sprints already today. “But with all the talent now, no way you could stand up against some of these other girls, babe.” _Wow, she’s got some nerve._

“Well, instead she’ll get to stop all those fancy, giant forwards from scoring.” I look directly at Hope when I say it, challenging her to say another bad word about Kelley. Instead, she decided it was time to go. 

Then Kelley cut in before Hope could close the car door. “Em, you coming out tonight? We’re going barhopping. Last big to-do before the game tomorrow.” We had our first game of the season on Sunday, an away game, and we would be traveling tomorrow and staying in a hotel overnight. 

I smile at her, seeing Hope roll her eyes in my peripheral. “Haven’t gotten a chance to use my fake ID yet, I feel like you’ve been holding out on me, O’Hara.” 

“Just you wait!” She winks at me before getting in the car. 

*** 

Sam and I get past the bouncer and into the bar. He didn’t even look twice at Sam but checked my license like, five times. Discrimination against short people is real, folks. But once we’re inside, I spot the rest of the soccer girls. Most of them dressed up for going out, all except Tobin, who was still in her joggers. Alex ran over to me and squealed, hugging me. 

“Oh my gosh, Sonny! You’re here!” _Someone’s already tipsy, I see_. 

“Where there’s a party, there's a Sonny. It’s like, my motto.” Alex giggles at my comment. I scan the bar, looking for one person in particular, but she’s not there. “Al, where’s Kelley?” I ask, not bothering to worry about sounding jealous. 

“Hell if I know. She didn’t come back to the apartment after practice. Hope probably wouldn’t let her come, she’s been banned from most of the bars here.” She rolls her eyes before turning back to her conversation with Allie. 

Why would she invite me out and then not show up? I tell myself she’s lost track of time or is having some good, wholesome fun with Hope. Whatever it is, it’s not my problem right now. I order another drink from the bar and head out onto the dance floor. Once there, I spot some of the other freshmen girls, Mal and Lindsey. Maybe hanging out with people my own age is better for me anyways. We cheer when the next song comes on, a banger from this summer, and start dancing. I forget about Kelley, about Hope, about any other problems. We’re just here to have fun. 

Eventually the night had to end. Sam was somehow sober as a judge while walking me home. _“New Englanders know how to hold their beer.”_ I, on the other hand, am having a hard time walking in a straight line. Good thing I never opted for heels or my soccer career might be over. 

“Sam, Sammy! Stop walking so fast, I got short legs here!” I try to run to catch up with her. 

When we make it back to the dorm, I dive face first into my pillow, not wasting any time changing or even taking my shoes off. Just before I pass out, I see a little notification on my phone screen. But I don’t open it. 

**Message from: Kelley**

*** 

I wake the next morning to my alarm blaring. I feel around for my phone, trying to make the noise stop, but I knock it off my bedside table. When I finally turn it off, I look and see a bottle of Gatorade and Advil waiting for me with a note that said “ _Getting breakfast, will bring you back something. Start packing! -Sam”_ Really, though, what did do to deserve her? I finally climb out of bed, realizing I’d slept in my clothes and my make-up. I don’t even look at myself in the mirror until I’m done showering. I toss some extra clothes and toiletries into an overnight bag, my soccer gear into my team bag. It’s only once I’m all set to go do I check my notifications on my phone and the message from Kelley, or should I say messages. 

**(11: 37 PM) Kelley:** I need to find another word other than sorry. 

**(12:08 AM) Kelley:** Are you mad? Of course you are, I invited you then bailed. Hope wanted to stay in and watch this movie. 

**(12:49 AM) Kelley:** Are you still out? You could come over if you want, I just got home. 

**(2:26 AM) Kelley:** Sleep tight, Em 

Come over? She sends me that after getting home from being with her girlfriend. Are they girlfriends? It’s never been specified. She waited up for almost two hours to see if I’d respond about coming over. Honestly, I’m glad I didn’t see these until now. In my drunken stupor I would have immediately gone to her apartment and attempted to do something we might both regret. Or would we? I try not to dwell on that thought. 

**Em** **:** Wow, I’m so sorry I never responded. I was pretty trashed last night 

I wait for her response. I can see those three little dots moving, indicating her typing, but they keep disappearing and reappearing, as if she’s writing and then deleting her message, only to start typing again. Finally, my phone buzzes. 

**Kelley:** It’s okay, I feel really bad about bailing last night, especially without telling you first 

**Em** **:** I survived without you, don’t worry ;) 

**Kelley:** I hope you didn’t get into any trouble without me! 

**Kelley:** See you on the bus later 

We all pile onto the bus that evening, upperclassmen in the back, freshmen in the front. At first, we’re all a bit rowdy, but soon enough everyone settles in, sleeping or watching Netflix on their phones. I got lucky, having a seat to myself in the very front. Sam had opted to sit with Abby, another freshman who shares a lot of the same classes. I spread out across the two seats, dangling my feet out in the aisle. Leaning my head again the seat, I close my eyes, wishing sleep. My head is still pounding from my hangover and I have been mainlining Gatorade and Advil all day. Just as I start to drift off, I feel my phone vibrate. 

**Kelley:** How’s life up there? 

**Em** **:** Bumpy 

**Kelley:** You might want to get that checked out 

I can just imagine her smiling at her own joke. 

**Em** **:** Shut up how’s life back there? 

**Kelley:** Party central, as always 

**Kelley:** You ready for your first game? I remember my first college game, I played awful 

**Em** **:** I think the better question is, are you ready? First game as a defender. 

**Kelley:** Oh, don’t worry about little old me 

_Try and stop me._

**Em** **:** Is Hope coming to watch? 

**Kelley:** No, she doesn’t like going to games anymore, since she can’t play 

**Em** **:** But she could support you 

**Kelley:** Really, it's fine. 

**Kelley:** Gives me more time to hang out with you and everyone else 

_Don't_ _think I don’t notice she singled me out._

**Em** **:** Who said I wanted to hang out with you? 

**Kelley:** Come on, Em. We both know you’re obsessed with me 

I sit up, scanning the back of the bus, and see the glow from her phone screen. Then she makes eye contact and we both giggle. 

Soon enough, the bus pulls into the hotel parking lot and we all file into the lobby. It’s late in the evening and everyone is groggy from the bus ride. Coach comes back from the front desk with room keys. 

“Alright everyone, listen up for your room assignments. Becky/Ali, Julie/Crystal, Sam/Abby, Mal/Lindsey, Alex/Tobin, Christen/Allie, Ashlyn/Megan, Emily/Kelley...” And I don’t hear the rest. 

“Emily and Kelley.” We’re sharing a room tonight. Sharing a room, miles away from home and from Kelley’s “girlfriend”. 

“Hey roomie!” Kelley comes up behind me and wraps her arms tight around my waist, resting her chin on my shoulder. This could get interesting. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! We're getting closer to the will they/won't they moment!


	6. Spirit in the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re stuck with me tonight.”
> 
> —  
> Title is Bruce Springsteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s back! Enjoy!

_I’m rooming with Kelley. We are sharing a room._ These thoughts keep tumbling around in my brain as the group splits off towards their own respective rooms. I must have spaced out a bit because all of the sudden, Kelley is tugging on the hem of my shirt, directing me down a different hallway. She smiles at me, reassuringly. I think she can tell I’m jittery, but I hope she thinks it because of the game, not her. She walks in front of me, and I do my best not to stare at her perfect butt for too long, but it’s very hard to look away. We stop in front of Room 423, where Kelley fiddles with the key card. She opens it and I follow her inside.

“Which bed do you want?” I ask, trying not to sound awkward.

Her eyes flit back and forth before flopping down on the closest one. “This one”, she says, her voice muffled since she is now lying face-down into a pillow. I laugh and toss my bags onto the bed near the window.

“I hope you don’t snore.”

“I am a perfectly angelic sleeper, you can ask anyone!” She says, still muffled by the pillow as she turns herself over.

Kelley doesn’t mean anything by those words but they pull the thought of her sharing a bed with someone to the forefront of my mind, sharing with someone that isn’t me. I catch myself staring at her, her body splayed across the whole bed, her hair fanned around her like a halo. _Talk about being angelic._

“Em? Did you hear me?” She snaps me out of my trance.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” I look over at her.

“I was just saying that it’s nice that we get to have some downtime before the game. You know, just us.” Before I can let myself think about the implications of her words, I deflect with a joke.

“Who said I was sticking around? I told Sam and Abby I’d come over to their room.” It’s meant to be a joke, of course I want to be here with her, I always want to be with her. I want to take time to learn every single thing about her, and explore every inch of her.

But Kelley doesn’t take it as a joke. “Oh.” She says, too quietly. “Well, have fun, I’m gonna head to sleep.” She rolls onto her side, now facing away from me, and draws her knees to her chest.

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with this. Her voice was so timid, and a sharp contrast to the bubbly, happy girl from just hours earlier. Looking at her small form curled in so tight it looks like she might be hurting herself, I can’t help but get up and make my way over to her bed. Before I realize what I’m doing, I’m sitting down next to her and stroking her back.

“Kel? Are you okay?” I’m tracing light circles across her back, unsure if she wants me to see her like this. I try to crane my head over her to try and see her face but she’s buried tight.

“I’m fine.” She squeaks out. “Go have fun.”

“I’m not going anywhere, tell me what’s wrong.” She doesn’t say anything, just points to her phone on the bedspread. It’s still open to a photo. I take a closer look and my blood begins to boil. Hope. Hope with her arms wrapped around some dude’s neck, kissing him. She had posted this on her social media. _What the actual fuck_? And the night before our first game. Kelley’s first game in a new position.

I can hear Kelley sniffle. “Oh, Kel.” I keep my hand on her back and I lean down to rest my head on her shoulder, trying to comfort her. “It’s going to be okay.”

“You don’t know that.” It’s not defensive, at least it doesn’t come out that way, instead it’s almost fearful. Like she’s scared it won’t be okay.

“I do.” I whisper to her, leaning in close. “You deserve so much more than this. You deserve to feel good. And you deserve someone that knows how amazing you are.” _Someone like me._

“Can you stay with me?” Her mouth is dangerously close to my face.

“I was only joking, I didn’t have plans to go anywhere. You’re stuck with me tonight.”

“No, like right here.” She says, hesitantly.

She’s asking me to stay in with her, in her bed, while she is very emotionally wrecked. She’s giving me an in, a chance to spend time together. I can’t even pretend to mull it over, I answer her immediately.

“Of course, Kel. Make room.” She scoots to the far side of the bed, making a spot for me. I climb in, resting up against the head board. Then she does something I didn’t expect. I assumed she would remain turned away, just wanting me to be there, just in case. Instead, she rolls back toward me, curling in close to my side. When she meets my eye for a brief moment, I hope I look calmer than I feel. My stomach does gymnastics as she wiggles, getting comfortable, and then it plummets like the front car of a rollercoaster as she tucks one arm securely around my waist, squeezing me for a moment. When she finally stills, I feel her steady breathing as the small puffs of air tickle my chest. Without allowing myself time to think about it too much, I reach to stroke Kelley’s hair.

“Does anyone else know?” I ask, curiously.

“Just Allie. And that’s only because she’s my bus buddy and saw it before I could stop her. I promised her I’d tell Alex tomorrow, I don’t want to mess with her game. There’s supposed to be pro scouts coming to see her.” In her time of need, she electing to not tell her best friend because Alex needs to have a good game.

“I don’t know, I bet if Alex pictured Hope’s face on the ball, she’d score a thousand goals.”

She chuckles just for a moment. “You’re probably right.”

I need to ask her something, something that has an anvil sitting on my chest, but I don’t know if I want her answer. Truthfully, I don’t want to leave this moment. I would stay here forever, my hands in her hair and her arms around me. But I need an answer first.

“Kelley?” The use of her full name catches her attention quickly. She tilts her head to look up at me without untucking her head from crook of my arm. “Are you two broken up?” The words fall out before I can stop them. She doesn’t answer right away, which makes my head spin. I wait a beat before doubling back. “I’m sorry, that’s none of my business. It’s your relationship, I don’t need to know anything, I’m sorry…” I ramble on and the only thing that stops me is when she takes my free she takes my free hand in hers, interlocking our fingers.

“I haven’t spoken to her but yes, in my opinion, we are. I’m not totally sure we were officially back together anyways. I imagine that will be her excuse too.” She pulls my hand closer to her body, shifting just a bit until her head rested on my chest, in the exact spot that anvil had been.

“Oh. Okay.” I breathe out.

“Not the answer you wanted?” It’s as though there is an electric current running through the room, pulling us closer.

“What? I don’t.. I didn’t…”. _How do I answer this without seeming like a jackass_? Her relationship, whatever it was, is over and I’m trying not to be giddy.

But Kelley doesn’t say anything. Instead she brings my hand into her and brushes her lips across the skin. I do my best to remain calm about this, but it’s so hard. She plants a soft kiss to my wrist before pulling our hands apart, despite a small whine from me, and uses her hand to draw lazy patterns across my abdomen down to my hip bones, a strangled sound escapes me, urging her to keep going. She lifts her head to look up at me, a small, soft smile across her face. She leans into me, her lips just inches away. I follow suit, leaning in as far as I could without our lips actually touching. She’s the vulnerable one here, I’m not going to initiate this unless it’s what she wants. After a few moments, which felt like hours, of staring at her perfect, barely parted lips, it happens. She closes the distance and our lips meet.

People joke all the time about seeing fireworks and foot-pops when it comes to first kisses. I’m here to tell you my first kiss with Kelley was nothing like that, it was better. The room stays quiet, reminding us we are alone. It may sound cliché but kissing Kelley feels like something I should have been doing my whole life and I’m not sure if I could ever go without it again. She slides her tongue gently across my lower lip and I happily oblige, exploring each other’s mouths. It’s only then that I become keenly aware of Kelley’s hand playing with the waistband of my sweatpants. I pull back, needing to catch my breath. Kelley’s eyes are dark, looking me dead in the eye, waiting for me to give her permission.

“Kelley…”. It comes out more like a moan that I intended. I reach and grab her hand, slowly dragging it back up to my chest. “We can’t… not tonight.” I can’t believe I’m doing this. Here she is, this perfect woman that I’ve been infatuated with since the moment I met her, in bed with me, wanting me. But I also know she is hurting, still upset about the Hope situation, even if she wants me to think otherwise. I wanted her, so much, but I’m terrified we’ll do this and then Hope will come waltzing right back, leaving me in the cold. It’s not a conversation to have in this moment, this perfect moment, but I can’t, we can’t, do this until we talk about it.

When I meet her eyes again, her expression is difficult to read. She’s not mad, or upset for that matter. Instead her face reads, to me, as tender. “Okay.” She says, giving me that soft smile again. “Another night then, I’ll hold you to it.” She plants one last kiss on my lips, and lowers her head back to my chest, curling her arm back around my waist, her thumb stroking the skin just above my hip bone.

“I promise.” I chuckle softly, leaving a soft kiss to the top of her head.

We stay that way through the night. The next morning, we are awoken to someone banging on our hotel room door. The first thing I do is check the clock, we still have hours before we have to join the team at breakfast.

“Kelley! Open up, NOW.”

I look back at Kelley, her eyes wide. _Alex_ , she mouths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m working on being more descriptive and not relying on dialogue as much. Let me know what you think!


	7. The Games That Play Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I figured something happened. It’s about time.”
> 
> Title is from The Blackouts

Kelley quickly pulls away from me, pressing her index finger to her lips, and whispers to me. “Make it look like you slept in your own bed.” It hurt a little to hear that, but if she’s not ready, I’ll survive. I have to remind myself that she found out that her girlfriend (or whatever she was) cheated on her _again_ and she’s still vulnerable. 

I climb out from under the comforter, deftly moving to my own bed, quietly mussing up the sheets and pillows. I give her one last look before walking into the bathroom to shower and I’m met with her soft smile. I step into the shower and let the hot water help me decompress. I can hear Alex and Kelley arguing in the room, but I can’t make out what they’re saying. I’m not sure what I hope she would say. I don’t want anyone to think Kelley did anything wrong, that she was rebounding or something. But I also don’t want Alex to think I pounced while Kelley was wounded. We haven’t known each other that long but hopefully Alex would think better of me. 

But then I wonder, did I do that? I knew Kelley was hurting but I let it happen. But that’s why I stopped it before it went too far, because _believe me_ , I wanted it to go that far. I turn the water off and dry off, pulling my sweatshirt back over my head, since I didn’t think to bring anything into the bathroom to change. Slowly, I unlock the door and step out into the room. Once I do, I see Alex and Kelley sitting cross-legged on opposites ends of her bed. Kelley looks like she might have been crying and Alex has a steely look about her, just stiff enough to notice. It takes them a moment to notice I’m back. 

“Good morning, Son.” Alex sighed. I take a wild guess and assume Kelley didn’t tell her we almost had sex in the bed she’s sitting on, so I go on as if everything is normal. 

“Alex, its game day! Time to get pumped!” I bound over and grab her shoulders and shake. This causes her and Kelley to burst out laughing. 

“Ah, yes, that first game feeling. I remember it well.” Kelley jokingly reminisces. “Although, Em”, _she’s using that nickname again,_ “wearing yesterday’s clothes is an interesting choice for making an impression.” She giggles a little. 

I shoot her a sarcastic look. “I forgot to bring clothes into the bathroom with me. I came out to get them, sorry to disrupt your conversation, it looked important.” When I finish my sentence, I make meaningful eye contact with Kelley, hoping she understands my comment. She gives me the tiniest of nods, I wouldn’t have noticed it if I wasn’t looking for it. 

“Oh, nothing too important. In fact, we shouldn’t let it mess with our morning. Kel, let’s go down and get some breakfast. Son, do you want to come?” Of course, I would love to, but something tells me this is a best friend moment. That Alex wants some time to process the situation, that’s if Kelley had told her or she’d seen the photo. 

“Thanks, but I need to get ready. I like to take my time before a game. It might seem a little weird but it’s kind of like meditation.” I explain, though it’s not completely a lie. I’m not normally a morning person so taking quiet time is nice. 

Kelley looks a little upset when I say this. “Well, I’ll bring you back something.” 

“Thanks, Kel.” I smile at her, trying to telepathically tell her we’re okay. She seems to understand and returns my smile with her own, though a little weaker than the one I saw last night. 

*** 

Kelley did eventually come back to the room but by then I had left to go see Sam and Abby. Lindsey and Mal had also joined in. We all thought it was important for us freshmen to have some bonding time, since this was something big for all of us. 

“What’s the matter with you?” Sam nudges me. 

“What do you mean?” _She can’t possibly know, can she?_

“You’re never this quiet, not once since I’ve been living with you.” She gives me a look, not quiet the sternness that a mom might use but closer to something like what my sister might use when she knows I’m lying. 

“Can we talk about it later? I don’t want it to become this whole big thing before the game.” I plead with her and she gives me a look that says, “ _oh we will talk, just you wait._ ” I have a feeling I won’t get the seat all to myself on the way back tonight. 

But then, all the sudden, the seniors, Megan, Becky, Ash, and Ali come bursting into the room. 

“Alright, let’s get a move on, freshies!” Ashlyn all but screams. 

“Ash, there are people in this hotel other than us!” Ali smacks her on the arm. 

“Are you all packed and ready?” Becky asked. We all nod. “Then it’s time to head on down to the bus. Coach will announce starting line-up before we get to the field. Don’t be late!” 

Our group filed out of Sam and Abby’s room and made our way to the lobby, bags in tow. We meet the rest of the team and wait for the bus. I spot Kelley from across the room as she’s making her way over to me. I’m not sure how this is going to go and how we should act in public. When she reaches me though, her smile melts my fear away and all I want is to kiss her again, in front of everyone. She comes over and stands in front of me and her eyes meet mine. 

“Are you ready?” She spoke so low that it almost sounded like a whisper. 

“I think so.” I so wish I could take her hand and lock our fingers together. “What about you?” 

Before she answers, she takes a deep breath. “I’ll be fine. Where did you go this morning? When I got back from breakfast you were gone, I got worried.” She sounds almost upset, but I can tell she was trying really hard to mask it. 

“The freshmen had our own little meeting in Sam’s room. You know, since this is all new to us. The new kids have to stick together.” I smile at her, trying to be light. 

“Did you eat anything? You can’t play on an empty stomach. Here.” She says, pulling a granola bar and an apple out of her bag. “It’s not much but it’s better than nothing.” I go to grab the apple from her, and she lets my hand rest on top of hers. It’s just a quick moment but it feels electric. 

“Thank you, Kel.” I say as I’m taking the food. “Even if it is rabbit food. Couldn't have snagged me a chocolate chip waffle?” I wink at her. 

“Next time.” She smiles. “Hey, Em? We’re okay, right, you and me? You don’t regret it?” 

“Not for a second.” I say, giving her arm a quick squeeze. 

*** 

We arrive at the field, ready to go. According to Megan, who I’ve learned is called “Pinoe” by the team, said this team was known for being rough and that it was going to be a tight game. Just before we got off, coach gave us the starting line-up, I wasn’t expecting to start so when my name wasn’t called it wasn’t a surprise. Sam got a starting spot in the midfield and I gave her a big hug, she is such a beast. Apparently, the U.S. National Team coach had been in contact with Sam, letting her know that a coach may come watch her play this season, which undoubtedly made her nervous. 

Soon, it’s game time. I go to take my spot on the bench but just as I’m about to sit, someone grabs my hand. I spin around to see Kelley, that same worry written across her face that I saw that morning. She squeezes my hand, tight. 

“What if I suck? What if we lose because of me?” My heart sinks. 

“Impossible.” Is all I say. 

“How do you know?” Her eyes are pleading with me to say something that will assuage her fears. 

“Because you are an amazing player. You could play any position on the field and still kick ass, even goalie.” She snorts at that. “Just go out there and have fun, that’s when you’ll play your best. I believe in you.” I squeeze her hand back and she gives me a small smile, before leaning in to wrap me in a tight hug. 

“I so wish I could kiss you right now.” She whispers in my ear, causing the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. 

“They’ll be plenty of time for that later, especially if we win.” I whisper back, and I hear her breath catch for a half-second before she pulls away from me. 

“O’Hara! Get on the damn field!” Coach yells. Kelley lets me go and heads onto the field, but not before giving me a wink. 

Pinoe wasn’t wrong. For the first game of the season, this was a rough one. Before halftime, two players on their team had yellows and Crystal had picked up one as well. But we were maintaining a 1-0 lead courtesy of Tobin and her trickery. Kelley was playing great, no one would have known this was her first game in the right-back spot. I think what made her so formidable was her brain as a forward. She could streak up the flank and deliver a perfect cross and then immediately back track to defend. She steps to the ball with ferocity and was winning challenges left and right. Her mark was getting increasingly frustrated, which only fueled Kelley. There was moment where a player got in her face, forehead to forehead, and going off. I gripped the seat of the bench to restrain myself from running over to defend Kelley. But she handled it just fine on her own, not escalating the situation. Instead she backed off, not without one sarcastic comment and a smirk though, classic. 

Late in the second half, once we had scored again off Alex’s head, coach called me over. I was getting in the game for Crystal. _I’d be sharing the field with Kelley_. As I run on, she gives my butt a smack for good luck and Sam high-fives me. Playing at the college level is just different, I can’t explain it any other way. Working with Christen on the left side, I felt like we were syncing up pretty well and I felt like I was contributing. Late into the game, I’m not sure but it had to be at least the 80th minute, I was having trouble shaking a midfielder and so I switched the field, sending a long ball to the right side for Kelley or Sam to pick up. Just as Kelley goes to trap the ball, that same player that had scuffled with her earlier, slid and took Kelley’s legs out from under her, causing her to fall forward. I swear I could hear the bone crunch from where I stood, twenty feet away. 

Before I could get to the other player, Alex and Tobin were already there. Alex is someone I feel intimidated by every day, but Tobin? Something must go seriously wrong for her to get fired up and, unfortunately, this was one of those times. While they were dealing with the other player, I swear I heard Alex threaten her life, I ran to Kelley. Becky was already there, trying to console her. I take one look at her, one ankle bent in a way it shouldn’t, and immediately yell for the training staff, waving them over. Her sobs broke my heart in two, watching her bury her face into Becky as the trainers started working on her. I hear them say it’s time to call an ambulance, to contact the ER. Becky strokes the top of Kelley’s head, speaking to her calmly, trying to get her regulate her breathing, but it’s not helping. I watch as the trainers bring a stretcher out. 

I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless. All I can do is watch them take her off the field and to the incoming ambulance. I just feel numb. Once she’s gone, I just stare after her. Suddenly, I’m being shaken. 

“Son, Sonnett!” It’s Tobin, her face looks wild compared to her normal relaxed demeanor. “Son, snap out of it. We will not lose this game; do you hear me? I’m not going to the hospital after this to tell Kelley we lost.” She waits for my response. But all I can do is nod, which she accepts. 

She’s right though. How could any of us face Kelley, lying in her hospital bed, and tell her we blew a lead because we were all thinking about her. That would probably just as painful for her as the injury. So I pull it together. I steel myself and jump back into the game. The player that injured Kelley was given a straight red card and escorted to the locker rooms. If she knows what’s good for her, she would stay in there until we had left their campus. 

We finish the game and the moments after are a blur. We all race to the locker rooms to grab our things. No one stops to shower or in my case, take off my cleats. Twenty minutes later, we’re taking up almost every seat in the emergency waiting room. When we get there, Coach talks with the receptionist and finds out Kelley needed surgery and she’ll be out in a few hours. After speaking with the doctor and calling the school, Coach comes to the group and lets us know we’re going to spend another night at the hotel, and we’ll head there once we see Kelley. 

_Leav_ _e_ _the hospital?_ I don’t think anyone, or anything could be strong enough to pull me away tonight. I want to be there when she wakes up and I’m sure everyone else feels the same. I sit down next to Sam and lay my head on her shoulder. 

“I kissed Kelley last night.” I all but whisper, not wanting anyone else to hear. And Sam again proves why she might be the smartest and best person ever. 

“I figured something happened. It’s about time.” I gape at her. 

“How do you do that?” 

“Well, you two aren’t exactly subtle. Even when she was ‘with Hope’, or whatever that was, you guys were always together and being touchy. And then I saw how excited you both were about sharing a hotel room. I just put two and two together.” She shrugs. “Was it good?” 

“Samantha June! That is none of your business!” I gasp in mock disbelief. 

“You’re the one who told me!” She chuckles. 

“It was really good.” She nudges me with her shoulder. 

“Little Sonny has herself a girlfriend!” _Do I?_

_“_ Well that part is still unclear. Her and Hope only just broke up. I don’t even think they’ve spoken to each other, but Kelley told me she was done.” Sam’s head is now turned toward the entrance of the lobby. 

“Well I guess Hope didn’t get the message.” I whip my head around to see Hope standing in the doorway. _Shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you couldn't tell, Sammy Mewis (aka The Tower of Power, Sir Samiltion) is one of my faves and she's a little underrated. Hope you enjoyed this chapter, even with the surprise.


	8. The Trick is to Keep Breathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Kelley’s awake and you look like a total mess.” 
> 
> \---  
> Title is by Garbage

Alex sees her too. Before anyone can stop her or say anything, Alex gets up and marched over to her. She hadn’t thought about taking off her cleats either, the click-clack of the spikes on the linoleum got everyone’s attention. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” She asks through gritted teeth. 

If Hope was surprised by this, she didn’t show it. “What do you mean? I got a message from a girl on the other team telling me that one of the players got injured, and then she described Kelley. So, I rushed here as fast as I could. What happened, where is she?” 

“Don’t pretend like you care.” Alex’s right blue eyes were flashing. 

“What the hell, Alex? Why wouldn’t I care? She's my girlfriend!” I feel a little sting in my heart, Sam squeezes my hand in reassurance. 

“You’ve got a real fucking weird way of showing it.” 

“What is that supposed to mean?” 

Alex pulls out her phone and brandishes it in front of Hope’s face. 

“You call THIS being a girlfriend? You think THIS is how people act when they’re in a relationship?” 

Hope says nothing at first. Then she finds her voice, sounding meeker than before. I don’t believe it though, it’s a façade. Alex doesn’t seem to believe her either. 

“Al, it was a moment of weakness, I didn’t mean for it to happen, it was a mistake.” 

I swear I can see steam coming out of Alex’s ears. 

“A MISTAKE?” Now she's nearly yelling, drawing everyone’s attention. “A mistake doesn’t get posted on Instagram. Mistake my ass. You never change, Hope. And don’t ever call me ‘Al’.” Alex chuckles, which somehow makes her even scarier. “You need to leave.” 

“I’m not going anywhere until I see her. You can’t stop me.” Alex looks like she might actually hit her. 

“She doesn’t want you here. Just like you didn’t come to fucking support her. Just like you didn’t want her when she came crawling back to you. You used her and manipulated her. You’re disgusting.” 

“Oh, stop being dramatic. She and I will talk, and it will be fine.” 

Alex is incensed. She gets right in Hope’s face, though Hope is still taller than her, and narrows her eyes, ready to scream. But before she can, another voice cuts through the room. 

“Hope. I think you should leave now.” It’s Becky, our captain. She is stoic, standing behind them. I think what makes Becky scarier than the other seniors is that she never raises her voice in anger, but you never miss a word she says. 

“You can’t...” Hope brushes her off, staring into her eyes, a challenge. 

“Leave now.” And with a scoff, Hope spins on her heel and out the door. I’m sure that she will wait in her car until we leave. 

Alex turns around, thankful. “You know, you need a mask and horse when you do that.” 

*** 

It’s nearly two hours later when the surgeon comes out to talk to coach. They spend a few minutes together, obviously reviewing the situation and her prognosis. I tried my best to read the doctor’s lips, but I’m no good at it. Coach thanks the doctor with a weak smile before turning back to us. I elbow Sam to wake her up. We all look at Coach, waiting for her to tell us what happened. 

“It’s quite a bad break. She had pins put in to keep everything in place. They’re going to give her a boot and crutches, she’ll be released tomorrow, when her parents get here. Now, I know you all want to stay here until she’s awake, but the bus will be taking you back to the hotel.” We all start arguing. “Waiting is waiting, you can do it at the hotel just as well as doing it here. At least the hotel will be more comfortable. Doctor said she won’t even be up and able to talk until morning. I won’t hear any more arguments; bus will be here in 10 minutes.” 

_Tomorrow?_ I can’t leave her, not now. She needs me, even if she’s not awake. I can’t go back to the hotel, to _our room._ I can’t sleep there, alone. Sam puts her arm around me, leading me out the door. 

“You can stay with me and Abby, I’m sure Coach won’t mind.” I don’t answer, just bury my head in her shoulder and cry. 

We make it back to the hotel, where we all split off somberly to our rooms. I planned to take Sam up on her offer, but I had to go shower and change in my room. I stand in the shower, the hot water scalds me, but it hides my tears. I can’t explain why this is affecting me so much, I don’t even know what the state of our relationship is right now. Sure, we’ve kissed and talked about kissing some more, but I don’t know what we _are._ It sounds childish the more I think about it. We’re not two middle schoolers that need to have the “are you my girlfriend?” conversation, but I want to. Seeing Hope at the hospital brought back every insecurity I have about myself and relationships. Most of the girls I’ve been with have decided at some point in the “relationship” to go back to their ex, whether it was a girl or guy. I’ve always felt like a placeholder while they looked for something better. Whatever Hope’s intentions were, she came to Kelley’s aid. And she was going to be there when Kelley woke up, unlike me. Maybe that’s all it takes for her to take Hope back, leaving me in the cold. It’s stupid, but I'm worried that everything isn’t okay. I’ve seen enough episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and House to know something can go wrong even while she’s in the hospital. I step out of the shower and put on some underwear before going and searching for pants to wear to Sam’s room. But I immediately get distracted. None of her stuff was there anymore, but I swear there’s still a hint of that shampoo wafting through her side of the room. The beds have been made up, but I pull the comforter up to my nose, it still smells like her. Before I can let the waterworks start again, I slide under the comforter, pulling it over me all of me. 

**Emily:** I’m going to stay in my room 

**Sammy:** Are you sure? I’m worried about you 

**Emily:** Don’t be, I’m fine 

**Sammy** : You’re lying. I’ll check on you in the morning. 

I close my eyes, trying my best to be positive. But it’s so hard to concentrate when about 24 hours ago Kelley and I were making out in this same bed. I finally fall asleep, thinking about her lips on mine and the feeling of her hands as they had played with waist of my pants. 

The next morning, I’m jolted out of sleep by a heavy knock on the door. I reach for the door, quickly realizing I didn’t have pants on. Once I pulled something on, I open the door. Sam barges in, looking around the room then back to me. 

“Why did you stay here alone? You scared me a little.” 

“I took a shower and then I just wanted to sleep. I was too tired to move.” I look at her, hoping she believes me. No such luck. 

“You know Son, you’re a really bad liar. But we’re going back to the hospital in like ten minutes so get ready. Kelley’s awake and you look like a total mess.” 

“My best friend, ladies and gentlemen.” I announce to the empty room. 

I just throw everything into my suitcase, not bothering to fold anything. I pull on a sweatshirt on and stuff my feet into my slides. I check myself in the mirror, I did look like a mess. My eyes were still puffy, and my hair was sticking out in every direction. I let my hair out of the bun and just leave it that way, still mussed from sleep. As I walk out the door, I pull my hood up and head down the hallway. 

The ten-minute drive to the hospital felt like hours. Sam sat next to me instead of with Abby, she was really concerned for me, and I loved her for it. We finally pull in and Alex practically leaps from her seat and off the bus. We all follow her and into the waiting room. The nurse comes to tell us that only a few of us can go in at a time. Pinoe and Becky go first, and they stay for about ten minutes. When they come back out, next it was Ashlyn and Ali. Soon, most of the older players go in and next is Alex. She specifically asked if she could go alone for a few minutes. She eventually comes back out and looks to me. 

“She’s asking for you. Says you're the only one she wants to see.” 

_The only one she wants to see._ I make my way down the stark white hallway. I've always hated the smell of hospitals; they smell like bleach and dry erase markers. My mom had cancer when I was younger and spent a lot of time in the hospital. She’s fine now, don't worry, but it was not a fun time to be a Sonnett . Eventually, I make it to Room 1830. There is a sign on the outside of her room, _K._ _O’Hara -_ _Comminuted_ _f_ _racture, left ankle._ I take a deep breath and will myself to walk in. 

She looks so small. Her leg is in a cast, lifted under a few pads. Her head is laying back against the pillow, the hospital gown swallowing her tiny frame. Her eyes are closed, so I post up against the threshold of the door. I don’t know how much time goes by, but I just stand there, watching the steady up and down movements of her chest. Every once in a while, she shifts or mumbles in her sleep. I hope that sleep has come easy to her and wonder what she’s dreaming about. Finally, I pluck up the courage to walk into the room. There's a small chair that someone else had pulled up to her bedside while she was awake. I sit down and pull my knees to my chest. After what feels like an hour, she starts to stir. I bite my lip and her eyes flutter open, finally seeing me. 

“Em...” She gives me a weak smile, that’s all it takes for me to start crying. 

“Kel, I’m so sorry.” I try to breath between each word, hoping to make my sobs stop. Kelley just cocks her head and makes the grabby-hands gesture, motioning me into her. She wraps her arms around me, and I bury my head in her chest. She doesn’t say anything, just strokes the top of my head. 

“Shhhh...” She whispers into my ear. “Em, Em, it's okay. Everything is okay.” 

“This is my fault.” It comes out muffled with my face still pressed against her chest. She grabs my head and pulls me up ‘til we’re eye to eye. 

“Emily. This is not your fault. It’s not anyone’s, but absolutely not yours.” Her tone is definitive, the situation was resolved in her eyes. _She called me_ _Emily_ _, literally no one does that._

“Well, that one girl on the other team, can it be her fault?” This makes Kelley chuckle. 

“Yeah, I guess that would be okay.” She smiles at me and puts her lips on mine. Just as good as the first time, maybe better. “Don’t think for moment this had anything to do with you. You made the right play on the ball, did what you were supposed to do.” She rests her forehead on mine. This time I’m the one smiling. “How long ‘til the team leaves?” I had almost forgotten about the team, the bus, the hours back to school. I had almost forgotten I’d eventually have to leave her. She can see me worrying, my mom has always told me I’m not every good at hiding my emotions. 

“Not long enough, that’s for sure.” 

“Well, we better make the most of it.” She pulls me in again, my tongue finding its way to hers. I don't know how I went my whole life without kissing her. Eventually, we surface for air. She pats the spot on the bed next to her, inviting me to lay down. This time it’s me with my head on her chest, wrapping one arm around her middle. The hospital gown doesn’t leave much to the imagination as I stroke her side. 

“There is one positive to this, you know.” She strokes the top of my head. How does she find a way to look at this like a good thing? “We don’t have to hide it.” 

And then it hits me. Kelley technically isn’t on the team, at least for right now. She’s not my teammate, she’s a normal person. Someone I’m “allowed” to be with. I don’t answer her, instead I turn my head to hers and capture her lips in mine, taking the bottom one in my teeth. It’s an awkward angle but I don’t care. Now that I know I can, I don’t ever want to stop. I shift a bit, running my hands along her sides and my teeth along her jawline. Something about her makes me feel bolder, more confident. Anyone could walk in and see us, but we don’t care. I bring my mouth back up to hers and don't pull away until I feel her smiling. 

“Well, I couldn’t definitely get used to that.” She kisses my forehead. 

“It was alright.” I wink at her and she pulls me in again one more time. 

“The fuck is this, Kelley?” Hope had walked in the door, coming from the opposite direction as the way I’d come in. She had blatantly gone around the waiting room, away from Alex. 

I can feel her whole body tense and all I can think to do is squeeze her tight, my arm around protectively around her waist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day! Hope you enjoyed!


	9. With Arms Outstretched

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Once."
> 
> ____  
> Title is Rilo Kiley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of abuse.

“Well? Care to explain why this little mouse had her tongue down your throat?” Hope stood at the door with her arms crossed. 

Kelley doesn’t say anything, doesn’t make a sound. Her eyes are wide as saucers staring back at Hope. I’m still basically on top of her and I’m frozen. _A mouse_ _, really?_ I wish I could reach my phone and call Alex, but it’s on the other side of the room, in my bag. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Do I leave and let them deal with it? But I’m a part of _it._ I’m the reason this is happening. I try to make eye contact with Kelley, but she wouldn't look at me, her eyes still glued to the Amazonian woman standing in the door. I slowly climb off the bed and slink to the door, not making eye contact. As soon as I got out of the room, I immediately pull out my phone. 

**Sonny** : 911 

Alex is there in less than a second. I just slide down the wall, head in my hands, trying to hold back tears. Alex takes one look at me and barges into the room. There is so much yelling I can’t make out any discernable words. But I can definitively say I never heard Kelley’s voice. Never heard her fight for herself, never heard her agree or disagree with either of the other people in the room. It just doesn’t make sense. Kelley is so vibrant, full of life, but the second Hope walks in the room, she stiffens, she cowers. I know what Alex told me, but I’m starting to worry this isn’t just emotional problems. Maybe because this is all still new to me. Kelley said this has been going on since her freshman year, three years now, so maybe this isn’t as bad as I think. All I know is, I can’t go back in that room. I get up from the floor and walk back to the waiting room. The whole team is still there, and they all see me, see my tear stained face. Ashlyn jumps up and takes off down the hall, her spidey senses tingling. Sam stands up and I hug her so tight I start to worry I’m cutting off her circulation, but she lets me. The bus pulls up 15 minutes later. I don’t go back to say goodbye. I should, but I don’t. Instead, I lay my head on Sam and try to sleep. All the while ignoring the buzzing from my phone in my pocket. 

A few hours later, we return to campus. Instead of riding the high of our first win, all of us are weary and depressed. When we get back to the dorm, I immediately crawl under my blankets and hide myself. Sam doesn’t ask any questions or make any comments, she just turns off the light. I fall into a restless sleep, nightmarish scenes of broken bones and a tall figure standing over me, screaming, fill my head as I toss and turn. Still, I ignore the constant buzzing of my phone until it goes dead. 

I miss my alarm for my morning class the next day and scramble to make it there without being _too_ late. Once I get there, out of breath from running across campus, I slide into a seat in the very back. Only then do I pull out my charger and plug my phone into my laptop. 

_31 unread message_ _s_

**Kelley** : I didn’t know she’d come 

**Kelley** : Saying sorry doesn’t feel like enough 

**Kelley** : Em, please talk to me 

**Kelley** : I told her to go but by that time you left 

**Alex** : Talk to her. She won’t stop texting me 

**Alex** : Seriously, it's getting annoying 

**Kelley** : Emily, I’m worried. Please send me a sign you’re alive 

**Kelley** : I texted Sam. Please don’t ignore me 

**Ash** : bitch get your girl 

**Kelley** : I’m coming back to school this afternoon, can we talk? 

I crack a smile at Ash’s text. I hadn’t meant to ignore her for so long, but I still don’t know what to say. How do I tell her that what happened was NOT okay? What Hope did was worse but what Kelley didn’t do made me more upset. She didn’t defend me, hell she didn’t defend herself. I don’t know what happened after I left but if she couldn’t say it while I was there, why should I assume she would do it after I left? I hesitate to respond to her right away, but I can’t help it. She’s like a magnet, you can’t help but be pulled in. 

**Em** : My phone died, and I overslept 

She responds within a second. 

**Kelley:** Thank God I was really worried 

**Em** **:** Sam knew where I was, didn’t she tell you? 

**Kelley:** She told me that you left the hospital crying and that it was my fault, that’s it 

Sam may be one of the nicest human beings on the planet, but she is fiercely protective. She embodies the phrase “don’t mistake my kindness for weakness”. Without asking me, she knew that something bad had happened in that hospital room. I decide that if Sam can be assertive, so can I. 

**Em** **:** She wasn’t wrong 

She doesn’t respond right away this time. It takes a few minutes before a message comes through. 

**Kelley:** What did I do? 

**Em** **:** It’s more what you didn’t do 

**Kelley:** Can we meet and talk? 

**Em** : I’m in class 

**Kelley:** After? Please, Em 

I wait, pretending I’m mulling it over. Not to be mean but because I have to at least _try_ and practice some self-control when it comes to her. 

**Em** **:** Sandwich shop? For old times' sake 

**Kelley** : I’ll be there in an hour. 

I don’t respond. Instead, I slip my phone back in my pocket and actually attempt to pay attention as my professor drones on about economic theory. Turns out, I might be good at it. 

After the lecture was over, I made my way to the sandwich shop. I walk in the door and the first thing I see is her crutches settled against one of the booths in the back. The same booth I had sat in with her that first day. I can see her boot barely sticking out. When I get to the table, she whips her head around to look at me. Her eyes are puffy, like she’d been crying, and her hands are shaking, though she tried to hide it by gripping her mug. I slide into the seat across from her and see that she had ordered me coffee as well. 

“How was class?” 

“Turns out, I can understand economics.” That gets a weak smile from her. “How are you feeling?” 

She lets out a big sigh. “Tired. Crutches suck.” 

“I can only imagine.” This is forced small talk, neither of us wanting to break the ice and dive into what we need to talk about. Before I do, I reach across the table and place my hand on top of hers and squeeze, trying to stop the shaking. But she beats me to it. 

“I’m sorry. I swear I didn’t know she was coming. I wouldn’t have...” But her sentence trails off. 

“I should have told you; she came the night of. But Becky made her leave, she was causing a big scene.” 

“That’s Hope.” She says, leaning back into the seat and rolling her eyes. 

“Kelley, I don’t care that she was there. Well, that’s a lie. I was terrified when she walked in. Even when she left, I knew she’d come back. And I was so scared that that was all it would take.” I let it all out in one breath. 

“All it would take for what?” 

She looks me dead in the eye and I can’t deal with it. I lower my head and speak quietly. “For you to forgive her. For you to go back to her. To leave me behind.” 

“What?” I get up the nerve to look at her. Her wide are wide, she’s incredulous. “Leave you behind?” She grabs my hand, lacing her fingers into mine. 

“I thought she would apologize, and you’d forgive her. And that would be it. It’s happened before.” That might be a cheap shot. 

“I knew you would look at me different after that. That you’d think less of me, just like I said.” I had forgotten about that moment we shared in the locker room. It seemed simpler back then. 

“I don’t think less of you, I just don’t understand you.” 

She cocks her head to the side, confused. “What do you mean?” 

Here we go. “I felt drawn to you from the moment I saw you. All it took was for you to look at me and I was hooked. You’re beautiful and you’re loud, and I don’t mean that in a bad way. That first night, I think you made me drunk more than the alcohol. Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if Alex didn’t interrupt us and we’d gone back to your apartment that night. Maybe this would have all been avoided. Maybe the sex would have sucked, and we’d part ways. Or maybe it would have been really good and Hope coming back would have been a non-factor.” 

“Em...” She tries to cut in. 

“Please, let me finish before I chicken out.” She closes her mouth. “What scared me is the fact you didn’t say anything. She walked in and you froze. You let me leave and let her stay. You know, I waited outside in the hallway, even after Alex got there. I never even heard you speak, and I finally had to leave. You didn’t defend me; you didn’t defend yourself! That girl in that hospital bed was not the Kelley I know. The Kelley I know would have started yelling and wouldn’t have ever let me leave that room. I want to understand about you and her, but I can’t. I just can’t figure it out, or where I fit into all of it.” Tears are starting to well behind my eyes. I don’t know what else to say, I just bared my soul to her. It takes a moment before I muster up what’s left of my courage and look at her. Tears are free flowing from her eyes. 

“I’m sorry. Em, I don’t even know what else to say. I feel like that’s all I ever say to you and it’s lost all meaning.” 

“What are you sorry about?” 

“You know, maybe you being new here and not knowing about Hope and I is the best thing. You see it completely independently, not based on past history. You saw through it almost immediately, and I know you talked to Alex about it.” 

“Kel, I was terrified I’d walk in here and you’d have bruises or a black eye. I know what Alex told me, but did she? And please don’t lie.” I’m the one interrupting now. 

She takes a deep breath before looking at me. “Once.” 

I get out of my seat, suddenly overcome with intense rage. But then she grabs my arm. 

“I’ll kill her. Alex and I will kill her.” 

“Please, don’t ever tell Alex. Once she comes back from your murder mission, she would be so hurt that I told you and not her. I’ve never told anyone, maybe that is what kept her from doing it again.” She drops her head, looking down and away from me, fiddling with her hands in her lap. 

It breaks my heart thinking about that moment. The moment when she was made to believe that she deserved that. The moment when that was held over her head like blackmail. I never want to imagine her as frail, as scared. This woman in front of me is so full of life it pains me to think someone would try to beat that out of her. I slowly sit back down, clasping our hands together once again. 

She’s the first to speak. “I shouldn’t have let you leave. I shouldn’t have waited for Alex and Ash to basically chase her out of the room. I should have kept kissing you.” She squeezes my hand tight and I smile at her. 

“It was pretty good, huh?” I wink at her. 

“I might be interested in trying it again. You know, purely for academic reasons.” There’s a real smile, a patented Kelley O’Hara smile. 

I get up from the table again, which makes Kelley visibly anxious. But I only go as far as her side of the booth, taking her head in my hands and kissing her the way I’ve wanted to since she sat down. It doesn’t last too long, we’re in public after all, but when we do pull apart, both of us are smiling ear to ear. 

“Do you forgive me?” The look on her face tells me that she’s still worried I won’t. 

“I don’t know. Throw in a few more kisses like that and we’ll talk.” She pulls me back into her for a moment. I break the kiss, still needing to get out one little thing. “Kel, if she tries to contact you, please tell me. If she shows up somewhere, tell me. Though I can’t promise she’ll be alive afterwards.” 

“I promise. Now can we get back to the fun stuff?” 

*** 

“Go out with me.” Kelley’s arms are around my neck, congratulating me for our win. With her out of commission, I was given the starting spot in the right-back. She reminds me every day that once she’s healthy, she’s coming back for it. 

“I’m confused. Didn’t I already agree to that last week? Or have I been giving these kisses away for free?” 

She rolls her eyes dramatically. “No, go on a date with me. Like, to somewhere other than my living room.” 

“What about your bedroom, we can go there.” I waggle my eyebrows at her, and she swats my chest. We haven’t had sex yet, but we’ve hit every other base multiple times and I don’t know how much longer I can hold back. 

“At least buy me dinner first, Em.” 

“Wait, you asked me out, you’re paying!” 

“Tomorrow? Before the soccer party?” 

“Trying to get me drunk and take advantage of me, Miss Kelley?” I wink. 

“If you’re lucky. Now do you want to shower here or just come straight to my place? Alex will be at Serv’s all weekend.” Now it’s her turn to make an overly suggestive face. 

“Lead the way, m’lady.” I couldn’t stop smiling if I tried. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're winding down to the end. How do we feel after this chapter? It's a lot I know.


	10. Near Wild Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m not sure if you’ve heard, my girlfriend is pretty hot.”
> 
> —  
> Title is R.E.M.

I had fallen asleep on Kelley’s bed that afternoon after practice. While Alex was spending her time with Serv, I had basically moved in. Sam didn’t mind me being gone either, her boyfriend, Pat, had flown in for the weekend. When I woke up, there was a sticky note on my forehead.

_Em,_  
 _Meet me downtown at 6pm, here’s the address._   
_Wear something nice :)  
_ _Kel_

For a moment, I think about showing up as I am, still in my training gear and sweaty hair. But then I think better of it and get in the shower, washing my hair with that honey shampoo. It’s only then I realize I’m still at Kelley’s house, I have no clothes here, at least not clean ones, let alone “nice”. Rather than walking home and accidentally walking in Sam and scarring myself for life, I find Kelley’s closet. Thank goodness we’re about the same size. I pull a fun, colorful romper off the hanger and a pair of heels to match. When I walk into the restaurant, Kelley’s jaw nearly hit the floor.

“Are you wearing my clothes?”

“You like?” I grin.

Kelley pulls me into a hug, whispering into my ear. “You look so hot, it’s sexy to see you in my clothes. Though maybe not as sexy as you’d look out of them.”

“Careful Kel, you promised me a date. Can’t be skipping ahead to dessert just yet.” She’s purring in my ear before we pull away.

We sit on either side of the small table and spend the next two hours talking about anything and everything, her hand resting on mine and our ankles (her good ankle) tangled together under the tablecloth. When we both finished, she took my hand and led me out the door. We walk hand-in-hand through downtown back towards Kelley’s apartment, stopping to look in a storefront every once in a while. I still have to pinch myself to be sure this is real, that she’s real and that she wanted me. Being with her, getting to be _out_ with her, I can’t remember being happier, it may have only been a few weeks, but it’s hard to remember anything before her.

We find ourselves back at her front door. When she walks inside and I don’t follow, she looks at me, confused. “Well, are you going to stand there all night?”

“Wow, Kel. Bold of you to assume I’d come home with you on the first date, I’m a lady.”

Kelley rolls her eyes. “Well, I guess you sleeping in my bed last night was purely for academic purposes, then?”

“As a matter of fact..” I don’t finish my sentence, instead Kelley pulls me over the threshold and wraps her arms around my neck, kissing me. I don’t think kissing her will ever get old, nor would I ever want it to. Every time we’re together, it’s like time stands still. It sounds super cliché, I know, but it’s true. I walk her toward the couch, my hands on her hips while hers are tangled in my hair.

“Em, we’re never going to make it to this party, come on!” Kelley squeals as I pull her onto the couch with me, immediately bringing my mouth to her neck and my hands under her shirt.

“Dang it, she knows my plan!” I smile, pressing my nose into the crook of her neck.

“I want to be able to show you off!” She squirms and escapes my hands. “I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but my girlfriend is pretty hot.”

I sit up in mock surprise. “What? Tell me more.”

Kelley smirks at me. “You’ll meet her at the party.”

I flop back down on the couch, sighing. “Fine, let’s go.”

I quickly change into something more casual. Kelley takes my hand and leads me out the door of her apartment. It’s nearly October and even in California the temperature is dropping. That being said, my crop top might have been a poor choice, but Kelley can’t keep her eyes or her hands off my abs. She knows how to get to me too, don’t worry. She managed to find her tightest pair of jeans, making her butt look incredible as she walked in front of me, even with that silly boot on her leg.

The house is packed to the gills despite the still somewhat early hour, a credit to Ashlyn and her epic reputation. Kelley takes my hand, leading me through the crowd toward the keg. With a beer in each of our hands, we find the rest of the team hanging out on the back porch. Kelley finds a spot on the couch next to Ali and pulls me into her lap. I lay my head back, exposing my neck and Kelley takes full advantage.

“Geez Kel, get a room.” Ali swats at Kelley’s shoulder.

“Careful what you wish for, the only one available is yours.” Kelley winks, wrapping her arms around my waist, leaving one more kiss right where my collarbone meets my neck.

“Gross!” Ashlyn sticks her finger in her beer and flicks some at us and we’re all laughing hysterically.

We all sit and spend the night telling stories and making jokes. I know Kelley wants to go dance but the risk of her ankle is too much for me to chance. Instead, we sit outside drinking with our teammates while Kelley slides her hand under my shirt and her nails lightly rake against my stomach. I squirm just a little, shifting in her lap, and she kisses me just behind my ear.

“My shampoo smells good on you.” Her words are a little slurred from the alcohol but she’s far from drunk.

“Oh, yeah? Do you like it?” I say, coyly.

“Mhmm… like it? I’m thinking about you, in my shower this afternoon, naked. Yeah, I like it. A lot.” This time she nips my earlobe.”

“Careful, Kel. People are staring.” I smile.

“I don’t care.”

I start to get déjà vu, thinking back to that first night and how close we’d come from leaving another soccer party together.

“Want to go home?” Home. I just called her place home. _Man, she’s got me hook, line, and sinker._ She doesn’t say anything, instead gives me a light rap on the thigh, signaling me to stand.

“Guys, we’re going to head out. Hats off to you, Ash! A truly masterful party, again.” Kelley says her goodbye.

“Y’all are going home to fuck, aren’t you?”

“Ashlyn Harris!” Ali yelps, mortified by her girlfriend.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” I wink at her as Kelley leads me back through the house. I hear Ash wolf-whistle over the crowd.

The ten minute walk home feels like ages. When we make it back to Kelley’s apartment, she closes the door and pushes me against it, starting an assault on my neck. I turn my head, giving her as much access as I could, her teeth scraping gently along my jawline. My hands find their way to her hips, fingers playing with the hem of her jeans.

“Oh, Kel. Mhmm… yeah, right there.” Kelley sucks a spot right in the hollow of my neck. My words embolden her, her hands running under my shirt while she kisses me. “Can we take this somewhere more comfortable?” I smile into her kiss. She giggles and walks me back into her room, closing the door behind her.

I jump onto her bed, laying my head on the pillow and she sits down on the end, undoing the clasps on her boot, and then slides off her jeans before climbing on top of me. She straddles me, leaning down to kiss me. Her tongue finds its way into my mouth and her free hand finds the zipper on my pants.

“Too many clothes.” She breathes, her lips ghosting the collar of my top. “Off, now.” She demands and I’m in no mood to refuse her. She sits back and I lift my shirt over my head, revealing the thin bralette underneath. “Fuck, you are so hot.” Her mouth makes it’s way down my chest as her hand slides under the hem of my underwear.

“Kelley…” she makes me moan into her ear, which causes a sound to escape her own mouth. Suddenly my hands are under her shirt, sliding it over her head. To my delight, Kelley has gone bra-less tonight. She moans when my lips hit her breast and it caused her to push a finger inside of me. She catches me totally off-guard and my whole body jerks.

“You like that, Em?” All I can do is whimper as she keeps her pace. “God, you feel so good, so good, Em.”

Her use of the nickname nearly sends me over the edge right there. My hands leave her chest and start making their way under her panties. Before I get a chance, she’s sliding herself down my body, leaving a trail of kisses until her mouth hits my inner thigh. I whine as she pulls away from me.

“You first, baby.” Kelley smiles, kissing my thigh again before her head disappears between my legs.

“Fuck, Kel. Yeah, right there, right there. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck…” my hands find their way into Kelley’s hair, needing something to hold onto as I ride the high and she uses her tongue as I come down. She crawls back toward me, reaching down to kiss me, tasting myself on her lips. It’s so incredibly hot and I already want more.

I flip her over, so I’m on top and she stares up at me, her eyes clouded with lust. I mirror the movements she used on me, her hands gripping the sheets so tight her knuckles go white.

“Yes, Em…” is all she can get out before she hits her peak.

I make my way back up to her mouth, this time letting her have a taste. They are short, chaste kisses in between heavy panting, both of us out of breath and completely spent. I lay on my side beside her, my head buried in her neck.

“Makes me wish we done that on night one.” She chuckles softly. “To think we could have been doing that for months now? Can’t believe how much I was missing out.” She kisses the top of my head and rests her hand there.

“Guess we’ll have to make up for lost time.” I kiss her neck and she closes her eyes, smiling.

“I think I’d be okay with that. You are so incredible, Em. I can’t believe I found you.”

I look up at her, at her strong jawline and her hazel eyes. “I am pretty incredible, it’s nice to hear you agree.” And this makes her laugh. Her laugh might be the most wonderful sound in the world. At the very least it’s tied with the sounds she made earlier tonight. She cups my chin and leans down to kiss me. This time, it’s slow and sensual, our tongues tangling.

“You really are something else, Emily Sonnett.”

“You’re not so bad yourself, Miss Kelley.” I snuggle in close to her, breathing her in as I fell asleep.

***

The next morning, I’m jolted awake by a crash coming from the kitchen. I pick a shirt up off the floor and race out of the room.

“Kelley? Kelley, what happened? Are you okay?”

She’s standing in the middle of the kitchen, surrounded by white powder and broken glass.

“Relax, Em. I just dropped the jar of flour. This is what I get for trying to make you breakfast. I was planning my special vegan pancakes.”

I make a gagging sound. “The universe was looking out for me, saving me from pretending I like vegan cooking.” She rolls her eyes at me.

“At least help me clean up and then you can take me out for brunch.” She crosses her arms.

“Yes ma’am!” I make a mock salute.

Cleaning took probably five times longer than necessary, I may have thrown a little flour at her and she blew it out of proportion, dumping a handful in my hair. Finally, the kitchen was gleaming and we were getting ready to leave.

“Do you have a shirt I can wear?” I point to my shirt, now covered in flour. Kelley ducks into her room and returns with a soft, green shirt. I pull it over my head and see the writing on the back in the mirror.

_O’HARA_

“Branding me now, Kel? Seems a little forward.” I joke.

“Maybe, but it looks good on you.” She takes my hand and we walk out of the apartment together.

There’s a little restaurant downtown that does and amazing brunch and doesn’t check ID, that’s where we go. Kelley orders something vegan just to spite me while I opt for a mountain of chocolate chip waffles. Kelley reaches up and wipes a bit of chocolate from the side of my face, then leans in to kiss me.

“Well, isn’t this just adorable.” A voice cuts through the air and I feel Kelley tense up. We separate and there, standing in front of our table, is Hope. She is glaring at Kelley with her arms crossed, a guy standing a few steps behind. I immediately recognize him as the guy from that Instagram post. I grab Kelley’s hand, feeling her tremble.

“Can we help you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Something a little fun :)
> 
> Not totally pleased with this but here we are. I usually avoid writing smut so if it’s not up to snuff, I’m sorry.


	11. Crash Course in Polite Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don’t you dare follow me, Emily Sonnett.”
> 
> —  
> Title is Game Face

_“Can we help you?”_

I was pretty proud of myself and the confidence showcased in this one sentence. She didn’t seem to be bothered though. She just stood there, towering over us, glaring. I’ll admit, she’s very pretty, but right now all I can think about is this woman put her hands on Kelley, _my Kelley._ I can feel my blood boiling and my legs are shaking. The audacity of her to think she would be allowed within a hundred miles of Kelley.

“Oh honey, no one was talking to you.” Hope says, never taking her eyes off Kelley.

_Who does she think she is?_ I’ve never been someone that had trouble controlling their temper, but she was really testing me. Even wrapped in my own, Kelley’s hands are still shaking. As much as I’d like to throw my drink at her and punch her in the nose, I can’t. It’s imperative to be the better person here. It’s really important that I show Kelley I’m as different from Hope as night and day. If the roles were switched, Hope would probably come at me with at least a verbal attack. I could fly off the handle at her and tell I know what she did, but then I’m the same as her. I’m the person using Kelley like a bargaining chip, or a pawn. If I tried to fight fire with Hope, I’m no better than her. If I were to raise my voice or throw a punch, there’s a chance Kelley might become scared of _me_ , and I can’t think of what could be worse than that.

“Well, if you don’t mind, we were in the middle of something.” And I turn back to Kelley.

“I thought you’d like to know I’m petitioning to get back on the team.” She says. Kelley and I are still making eye contact, and I think she might cry.

“I’m still new here, so forgive me, but weren’t you kicked off for fighting? I think the NCAA frowns upon that.” It comes out maybe a bit more sarcastic than I’d wanted, but the message still comes across. How could she possibly think that she could get back on the team? Fighting with her opponents and her own team? Is she delusional? I know I’ve never actually seen her play, but no one is good enough to overlook violent tendencies.

“You are new here, so maybe you should mind your own business.” She spats.

“If it involves Kelley and my team, it is my business.” It’s becoming harder to keep my voice even, but I push on. “Best of luck to you, though.” I shove a piece of waffle in my mouth, trying to make clear to her I’m not interested in talking anymore.

She scoffs and turns to Kelley, who is being braver than I could ever imagine, and speaks. “Slumming it with freshmen, huh Kel? Seems you and I aren’t that different after all. See you on the field. Oh, wait. You’re done for the season. Too bad.” She smirks before turning back to the guy she came with, wrapping him in a passionate kiss and I roll my eyes. She walks away and Kelley’s shaking doesn’t stop, but it does slow.

“Are you okay?” I ask, a hand cupping around her cheek.

“Can we go home?” Is all she says. I flag the waiter and pay. She still hasn’t let go of my hand, so I sign the receipt with my left hand. She doesn’t let go until we’re at her door, and then only to pull out her keys. She doesn’t speak, instead, pulling me into the apartment and back into her bedroom. She climbs into her bed and pulls me into her, burying her face in my chest and crying. She’s a lot better about showing her feelings than she is about telling, that’s something I’ve learned quickly. I just hold her, my arms wrapped tight and my chin resting on the top of her head. I can’t tell you how long we laid there, not talking. Just when I think she might have fallen asleep, she speaks. It’s quiet, timid even, but she has me hanging on every word.

“She was right.”

“Right about what?”

“I’m like her, I’m corrupting you. You’re...”

I turn so I can look her in the eyes. “Oh, baby, no. Kelley, absolutely not. Do not think for a second that you are anything like her. You are the kindest human out there. You can’t let her in your head like that, it’s what she wants, it’s what she’s good at. She is jealous, that’s it. She sees that you and I are happy and she’s not. And she probably is realizing the she made a mistake letting you go. As for corrupting me, we haven’t done nearly enough to earn that statement.” By the end, I’m smirking at her.

“But Em, I don’t want you to be stuck with me.” She drops her chin, hiding away again.

“Have you ever known me to do something I didn’t want to do or go somewhere I didn’t want to go?” I shift one of my hands so I can rub her back.

“No, but...”

“Kelley. I want to be here; I always want to be here. You’re not forcing me to do anything. You are not her, you’re... you’re my Kelley.” I leave a kiss on the top of her head, lingering for just a moment. She buries even deeper into me, her head basically in my armpit. How is it that someone so beautiful could be so unsure? All I want is to shower her with love and show her how much she’s done for me over the past few months. I want to show her how amazing I think she is and continue to build her up until she can see it too.

“Thank you, Em.” It’s muffled.

“For what?”

“Being you. Being my Em.” She sniffles and I pull her out of her cocoon to kiss her. It’s long and powerful, her tongue slipping into my mouth, the salt from her tears is unmistakable. She breaks the kiss, eliciting a whine from me, but only to shift her body until she is straddling me. Her hands find their way under my shirt, _her shirt,_ while mine reach for the button of her jeans.

This is another way for her to show me what she’s feeling rather than talk about it. I know soon we have to talk about it, but right now, just like every other moment, I want to see her happy. One hand on her face, and the other sliding inside her underwear, I can hear her breath go ragged as she pulls away from the kiss.

“Fuck, Em. That’s it, right there, baby. God, you’re so fucking good.” She nips at my neck in between words, leaving a spot that will absolutely not be hidden by the collar of my shirt at practice later. Soon enough, she’s coming undone from the touch of my hand, my name on her lips as she cries out.

I can’t explain the feeling of knowing I can make her do that, that it’s _me_ that’s getting her off. Honestly, I think that though alone could bring me over the edge. Kelley doesn’t let that happen though. Still on top of me, she slides my top off and she leaves kisses down my breasts and stomach. Looking at her, looking at how her hair is mussed, and her eyes are still a little puffy from crying, I realize just how much trouble I'm in. I have to bite my lip when she goes down on me, making sure that “L word” doesn’t pop out. I bit so hard it started to bleed.

***

Eventually, I do have to return to my own dorm. I was fresh out of clean clothes and Alex had come back, which meant no more Kelley and Emily being naked in the house. I get back and Sam is sitting at her desk, finishing a paper or something. I think I have one of those to do, too. I should probably start that...

“Long time no see, Son. I was starting to wonder if maybe you had just moved into Kelley’s bedroom.” She jokes.

“You know, I thought about it. But then I realized I can’t leave my best friend Sammy all by her lonesome!” I use one arm to wrap around her neck and the other to ruffle her hair.

“Well, I appreciate the love.” Sam’s smile faltered at my stiff reaction to the word “love”. “What’s the matter?”

I decide it might be easier to start with what happened that morning. “Hope showed up where Kel and I were having breakfast.” This time Sam goes a little rigid.

“How did...”

“I don’t think she planned on us being there, but she made it worth her while. And then she said that she’d trying to get back on the team! Sammy, that can’t happen right, they wouldn’t do that, would they?” Now I’m the one trembling at the thought and it’s Sam wrapping me in a tight hug. “I mean, Kelley won’t be playing but they’ll still be around each other. I don’t think I can handle that; I won’t be able to keep my cool.”

“Son, what do you mean? So, she’s jealous, why would you lose your temper over that?”

It’s only then that I remember no one knows what Kelley told me. That she told me not to tell anyone, but I can’t keep it in. “She hit her; Sam. Hope hit her.” And I all but collapse into Sam’s tall frame, unable to hold back my tears anymore.

“Oh, Son.” She just holds me.

“I think I love her. How can I let her get away with hurting someone I love?”

“Emily. Who else knows about this? You have to tell Coach.”

“I can’t Sam! I promised her I wouldn’t tell anyone!” My sobs are just about uncontrollable now.

“Would you rather keep your mouth shut and let her back on the team or tell someone?”

“I- I- I... what do I do?”

“Son, if you don’t tell Coach, I will.” And I know she means it.

“But what if she hates me for it? Sam, I can’t lose her, I can’t.”

“What about Alex, can you tell her?”

“She made me swear!”

“I know, Son. But you want her safe, right? You said you think you love her. You want to protect her, but you can't do it alone. I’ll go with you to talk to Coach or to Alex, whichever one you want.”

“Alex needs to know.” I pull out my phone and send a quick text.

**Sonny:** Can you come to my dorm? I need to talk to you about something.

**Alex:** Sure thing, just got out of my lab.

As soon as Alex walks in and sees my face, the assumptions start rolling.

“What happened? Where’s Kelley? Did you two break up? I swear, Emily Sonnett, if you hurt her.”

“Alex!” Sam raises her voice. “You’re here to listen.”

And I tell her. I tell her about breakfast, and I tell her about what Kelley told me all those weeks ago in the restaurant. I watch as her face goes through a range of emotions with each passing moment, but she stays quiet, she listens. And when I’m finished, she sighs.

“This is my worst nightmare. I never believed Kelley when I asked her about it. I just can’t stop picturing Hope’s head on a spike. Why didn’t she tell me?” That stings a little.

“She said I couldn’t ever tell you because she knew you would be devastated that I knew, and you didn’t.” My lips are trembling again.

Alex grabs me by my arms. “Emily, I don’t give a shit that you know something I don’t. I mean, you’re the one she’s sleeping with, I expect your relationship to be different than ours. All I care about is Kelley’s safety.”

“I didn’t know what else to do.” I look at Alex, then at Sam, then back to Alex.

“We need to talk to Kelley first.”

“No! We can’t, Alex. I promised.”

“Son, remember what I said? Would you let Hope have a chance to get back on the team just to keep Kelley’s secret? Or insure that Hope never gets near her again? Maybe she’ll be mad, but she’ll be safe.” I hate when Sam is the voice of reason. She’s right of course, Kelley’s safety is paramount. I could live with her being mad at me if it meant she was safe.

About an hour later, Kelley showed up at my dorm. She walks in smiling, but then when she sees Alex, she falters. “Hey, Al. Em, what’s going on? This looks like an intervention.” I don’t say anything, I can’t even look her in the eye.

“Kel, we have to talk. Sonny told me.” Alex says matter of fact.

“Told you what?” There’s a slight uptick in Kelley’s voice, nervousness.

“About Hope. About what happened freshman year.”

Without even looking at her, I can feel Kelley’s eyes boring into my skull. “You told her? Em, you promised!”

“You should have told me, Kel!” Alex yells. “Don’t get mad at her, all she wants is for you to be safe. That’s all I want too. It breaks my heart that you didn’t think you could tell me yourself but I’m over it. We have to tell Coach.”

Kelley backs toward the door of the room. “I can’t. Alex, I can’t talk about it. I can’t- she’ll...”

“Kelley, she’s not getting anywhere near you. I promise you that. She’d have to get through everyone else on the team and you know Ash would find a way to make it look like an accident.” She tries to joke but elicits no response. “I’ll go with you. Sonny will go with you. I’ll make the whole team come if you want.”

“NO! You can’t tell the team. I’ll go with you.” Kelley is crying now. Alex stands up and hugs her.

“It’s going to be alright.” Alex starts walking them out my door and I stand up to follow.

“Don’t you dare follow me, Emily Sonnett.” Kelley spits and I sit back down.

They close the door and Sam pulls me into her. I knew she’d hate me, now I’ve lost her. I had the woman of my dreams and now she hates me. I have no idea how long we sat there, eventually I cried myself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can’t get away without a little more angst. Hope you enjoyed :)


	12. To Wish Impossible Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m a big girl, I can handle myself.”
> 
> —  
> Title is The Cure

It’s been a week and I haven’t heard from or seen Kelley. Not that I’ve been out and actively looking for her, instead I spent any time not in class hiding away in my dorm. I wouldn't even leave for meals, opting for cereal and making ramen in the microwave. I even dodged practices if I could, feigning illness. Which, if I’m being honest, wasn’t a total lie. I had felt sick to my stomach since Kelley walked out of my room that afternoon. My heart physically aches, my body feel sluggish, and my mind is always racing. Is this heartbreak? Is this what it feels like? Because, if so, I never want to go through this again. I’ll avoid relationships altogether if it means not feeling like this. I can’t sleep, can’t focus in school or in soccer. All I’m ever thinking about is her. I didn’t ask Alex what happened when they went and talked to coach, even though I wanted to. It didn’t feel like my business anymore. She didn’t want me to come, so I’m sure she didn’t want me knowing the outcome.

I couldn’t avoid everyone for long though, I had to go to practice if I wanted to continue starting in games. I wish I could say playing helped me not think about her, but I’d be lying. This is where we met, this is where she and I connected. It sounds callous but for once I’m glad she can’t play. I definitely wouldn’t be able to concentrate if she was here right now.

I can see Alex in my periphery, she’s keeping an eye on me. I imagine she thinks I can’t, so I choose not to make a big deal about it. But it finally bubbles over when I miss the same pass for the third time.

“Son, it’s all good. This is why we practice.” She says, trying her best to be calming, which is unlike her.

“No, Alex, it’s not ‘all good’. Stop treating me like a baby and tell me I’m fucking up!” I don’t mean for it to come out as loud as it does, but I keep going. “I’m a big girl, I can handle myself. I’m not fragile!”

“Sonny...”

“Just leave me the fuck alone, Alex.” I storm off to the locker, slamming the door as I enter. I didn’t mean to blow up at her, I really didn’t. But everyone is walking on eggshells around me like I might spontaneously combust or something. All I want is to go back to my dorm and hide under the covers until it stops hurting. Well, no, that’s a lie. All I want is for Kelley to walk through that door and say she forgives me. Then she’d hug me, maybe even kiss me, and everything would be alright. Just then, I can hear the door open and someone calling my name, and I whip my head around. It can’t be that simple, can it?

“Son? Sonnett?” It was Ash. I wouldn’t say she and I are close, but she is a leader on our team, and I look up to her immensely. She finds me sitting on the floor with my knees tucked into my chest. “Hey, you alright?”

“No.” I scoff just a little.

“Well, Alex told me the gist of what’s going on. She wanted to come in after you, but I told her I’d handle it.”

“There’s nothing to ‘handle’, Ash. It’s all over.” I wipe a tear, trying to stop it before it hits my cheek for her to see.

“I don’t know about that. Look, what you did for Kelley, that takes balls. I’m not kidding, Sonnett. She may be mad right now, but I can guarantee she will thank you later. Also, I should thank you. Now that coach knows about Hope, I don’t have to skip town after I murdered her. Ali would have been very sad.” She cracks a smile.

“I miss her so much. She won’t even talk to me, Ash! Why won’t she talk to me?” I can’t hold back tears anymore and Ashlyn pulls me into a hug.

“Shhh... I know it’s hard. But I promise, you give her time and she’ll come to you. People do stupid things when they’re upset. I should know, one day I’ll tell you about how I beat this kid up with a live fish.” This gets a laugh out of me. “But seriously, Son. You did the right thing, so stop beating yourself up about it. If I was in your shoes, I would have done the same thing.”

“I don’t even know if we’re broken up.”

“Are you looking for someone to tide you over?” Her face almost turns into a glare.

“God, no! Ash, all I want is her. Just Kelley.” The tears are back.

“Good.”

“I don’t know what to do. I barely eat, I can’t sleep, even though that’s all I want to do. It’s affecting my playing, too.”

Ash gives me a soft smile. “Love makes us do crazy things.”

I twist my head to look at her. “Love?”

She smiles even bigger this time. “Cut the shit, Son. You’re so head over heels for Kelley it’s not even funny. Okay, maybe a little funny, partly because she’s worse than you.”

My head swims at her words and my eyes go wide. She couldn’t, she doesn’t. Not after what I did. “Kelley doesn’t love me, Ash.” I shake my head, almost violently.

“Oh, Sonnett. Of course she does.” Ash just hugs me tighter.

***

Another week goes by before I even lay eyes on her. I walk into the campus coffee shop on my way to class and as soon as I walk in the door, I’m stopped in my tracks. I didn’t even need to see her face; I’d recognize the back of her head anywhere. I did, if you remember, stare at it for an unhealthy amount of time during our first team meeting. She’s paying at the register and I panic. I immediately spin on my heel and leave the shop, telling myself that this encounter woke me up more than coffee ever could. I almost run over an unsuspecting patron as he walks in the door. Is this what it’s going to be like? Me running for the hills every time I see her? What about when she’s able to play soccer again? There’s no way I could avoid her at practice.

I walk into my lecture and sit in the very back, opening my laptop as if I’m preparing to take notes. Instead, I pull up iMessage.

 **Sonny** : Can we meet this afternoon?

 **Alex** : Of course, name the place and time

Two hours later, I’m sitting across from Alex in the same coffee shop I’d ran out of earlier that morning. I had gotten there early and ordered for the both of us. She smiles at me, waiting for me to start the conversation.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you. I didn’t mean it.” I say, unable to meet her eye.

“Yes, you did. And I deserved it.” My eyes snap up to look at her.

“No, Alex, please. I’m just not in a good place right now.”

“I know that. And I know that I was babying you because of it. And for that, I’m sorry.” She smiles at me. “She’s not doing great either, you know. If that helps.”

“No, it doesn’t help at all! Now I feel worse.” I sit back in my chair.

“Sonny. None of this is your fault, you need to understand that.”

“How can you say that? It’s entirely my fault. I betrayed her trust, and now she hates me.” Again, I’m fighting back the tears.

“She doesn’t hate you; I promise.” Alex says quietly. “If anything, it’s the opposite. Son, she was so scared. I wish she had let you come with us; it might have been easier for her then.”

I shake my head. “She was very clear; I was not welcome.”

“I know, Son. I was there too, remember? All I meant is that I wish she hadn’t said that to you. Son, she sat in Coach’s office and it took her half an hour before she would say anything. Coach was about to call an ambulance; she was almost catatonic.” The thought of her, sitting there in Coach’s office, feeling utterly alone and ashamed, breaks me.

“Don’t tell me that, Alex. Please.” It’s getting harder to hold my tears back. I can’t keep that picture in my head. I think about how I wished I could have held her while she talked, about how I could have comforted her afterwards.

“All I’m saying is give her time.”

“Everyone keeps saying that! ‘Give her time.’ What am I supposed to do until then, Alex? How do I know she even wants me to wait for her? She probably never wants to see me again.” I hate sounding this needy, it’s not like me at all. And I hate the way it sounds. Like I don’t understand that her recovery from this is of the utmost importance. Because I do, I do realize that. But I also know that I can’t keep this up much longer. My grades are suffering, my soccer is suffering. I can’t afford lose my scholarship and I’d never get to stay here without soccer based on my grades. As much as I think I’m falling in love with her, it can’t be at the expense of everything else.

“She wants you. I can’t tell you how I know, but please know that, Son.”

“I need to hear it from her. I can’t do anymore of this messenger shit. If she wants to talk to me, I’m here.” I gather my things in my bag and get up from the table. “I have to go.”

***

Another week goes by and suddenly it’s game day. Potentially our biggest game of the season was tonight. We had been preparing for the last two weeks just for this. I had finally been able to push Kelley out of my head, at least while we were on the field. I had to, if I wanted to keep my starting spot. When the time finally came, Coach posted the lineup in the locker room and I found my name. I let out a sigh of relief and went back to putting on my cleats.

This game might be the hardest game I will ever play. The other team is more technical than us, maintaining possession while we were set back on our heels, preparing for the pressure. I got beat a couple times but thank God for Becky and Ash saving our butts. None of it was outright, but the challenges were sometimes harder than necessary. I’m guilty of it myself, maybe going in for a slide tackle and getting more girl than ball. I did get the ball though. It was looking like we were going to end in a draw as the time ticked on. I hate draws, ties are the absolute worst. I think I’d rather lose than draw. And we definitely should be losing, this team has had like a hundred shots on goal but can't seem to finish any of them, including one that bounced off the post AND crossbar. In the last few minutes, the energy seemed to shift. Our team was definitely conditioned better, and they were getting gassed. Suddenly, we had a set piece. This is where our team really shines. Christen places her shot and, like a bat out of hell, Julie comes flying in, getting her head on it and the balls sails into the back of the net. We celebrate and do our best to play keep away for the last few minutes.

We’d won. It wasn’t pretty but we got it done. All I could think about was the warm shower waiting for me and the comfort of my bed. All I could think about is that Kelley wasn’t in the stands. She hadn’t missed any of our games since her injury. But today, there was no sign of her. Not that I was looking, at least not that much. Her voice was noticeably missing too, not that I was listening for it. I make for the locker room, but then, I’m accosted by Sam.

“Sonny, my parents are taking us out to dinner!” She points to a very cute older couple in the stands, joined by an older girl, who I assume is her sister, Kristie.

“Sam...”

“It wasn’t a question, Son. You’re coming, you’re going to be social.”

And so, I follow her to the locker room and change. Sam’s parents are so nice, and her sister seems really cool. They ask me all about growing up in Georgia, about my family, and about how I’m adjusting to California. They tell me all Sam’s embarrassing childhood stories and Kristie wonders about the differences from Stanford to her alma mater, Boston College. It made me miss my sister and realize it’s been too long since I’ve talked to her.

In a few hours, spending time with Sam’s family has lifted my spirits more than I could have imagined. For now, Kelley doesn’t even cross my mind. For the first time in weeks, I’m not wondering what she’s doing. I’m not thinking about what she’d say if she were here. For the first time in weeks, I feel better. Not great, the pain doesn’t miraculously go away, but better. I’m laughing, telling jokes (great ones) and profusely thanking Sam’s parents for everything they were doing for me. And that included thanking them for letting Sam move all the way across the country to be my new best friend.

Sam’s parents drop us off at the dorm on their way back to the hotel. They were leaving early tomorrow morning. As we walk down the hall, Sam swings her arm around my shoulder.

“It’s good to see you smile, Son. It’s been a while.”

“Thanks for making me go out, I had a lot of fun.” I turn to look at Sam, but she stops in her tracks.

We’re still a ways down the hall form our door, but I immediately see what’s made her stop short. Sitting in front of our door, head in her hands and fast asleep, was Kelley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think a little Sonnett introspection is necessary. Also, thanks USWNT (or just Julie Ertz, tbh) for the inspiration after the Spain game. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Leave a comment if so!


	13. Crash Into Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I know how to swim.”
> 
> —  
> Title is Dave Matthews Band

I have to blink a few times before she really comes into focus. Sam’s arm is still around my shoulder, but I take off toward Kelley. I hate that even the sight of her makes me weak, as if I’ve been on edge for the last few weeks waiting for this moment. Which, if I’m being honest, I have been. I’ve been waiting for her to show back up, to pop back into my life. I’m a fool to think I could hold back for even a second. Soon, I’m at her side.

“Kel, Kelley. It’s Emily, it’s me.” I gently shake her awake. She makes some sleepy noises as her eyes open.

“Em?” She looks up at me. Her eyes are bloodshot and a little sunken, a mixture of crying and no sleep. She smells of beer.

“You crash in front of other girls’ dorms?” I smile down at her.

“Just you.” She says weakly.

“Come on, you look like you haven’t slept in days.” I try to help her up. Then, Sam’s voice cuts through.

“Kelley, you need to go home. To your own home. You guys can talk in the morning.” She towers over us. But she’s not mad, I can tell.

“Sam... it’s okay.” I try to reassure her.

“No, Emily it’s not. She’s been gone for almost a month and suddenly decides to show up at an ungodly hour after the hardest game we’ve played. I’m tired, you’re tired. Kelley, you’re obviously tired. This conversation can wait until tomorrow. Kelley, who do you want me to call to come get you? Alex? Allie?”

Kelley just stares. She stares at me, then to Sam, then back to me, settling on staring at the wall in front of her. “Alex, I guess.”

Sam pulls out her phone and dials while opening the door, and then suddenly, we’re alone. I’m sitting with her, shoulder to shoulder, in silence. Since I have no clue what to say, I don’t speak. Instead, I listen to her rhythmic breathing and try to control my own. After a few minutes, she rests her head on my shoulder. There’s still no talking, which makes this moment feel bigger than maybe it really is. I debate it for probably too long, but finally I rest my head on top of hers. Just when it feels like one of us might finally break, I hear Alex’s breathless voice.

“Jesus Christ, Kelley. I’ve been looking for you all day. Come on, let’s go home and I’ll make you something to eat.” Alex looks wordlessly at me and then at Sam through the open door. I can’t tell what is was, but she mouths something to Sam before picking Kelley up off the floor and walking her down the hallway.

Once they were out of sight, I get up and stomp into the room. “What the hell, Sam? She finally came back, and you sent her away! Why?” I demanded.

Sam was ready for this, of course she was. “Son, she was drunk. I know you could tell. I want you guys to resolve this as much as the next person but it's not going to happen tonight. I know you would take her back this very second, and maybe she feels the same but her showing up like that isn’t fair. She’s not being fair to you. If she has feelings for you, maybe even loves you, she shouldn’t treat you like this. She doesn’t get to go radio silent for weeks and then expect to jump into your waiting arms.”

“But...” I’m on the verge of tears, but that’s been the case for the last month it feels like.

“No buts, Sonnett. If she still feels the same way tomorrow, sober, then nothing has changed. I love you too much to let her jump back in without really thinking it through. Now, please try to get some sleep.”

She climbs into her own bed and flips off the light, leaving me sitting in the dark. I close the bathroom door behind me and go to brush my teeth. Just as I’m putting my hand on the knob to open the door, there’s a buzz in my pocket.

 **Kelley:** soprrry

 **Kelley:** spory

 **Kelley:** aorru

 **Kelley:** This is Alex, I’ve taken Kelley’s phone til morning

It almost makes me laugh, her trying to type while she was drunk. I guess I would have enjoyed it more if it were dirty messages, sending them from the bar before she came home to me. It felt like a moment like that was a lifetime away. Almost like trying to remember a dream after you wake up. I climb into my own bed, but I don’t sleep. I’m exhausted but sleep never comes. All I think about is that she came back to me, if maybe not fully. I try to imagine her lying next to me, her heartbeat matching mine. But try as I might, she never appears.

The next morning, I’m up before the sun. Well, I never actually went to sleep but I couldn’t lay in bed any longer. I was out the door while Sam slept soundly. I know it's too early to go over to Alex and Kelley’s place, but I couldn’t sit still anymore. So, I run. I run around all of campus, I run to the soccer fields, I run through town. It’s probably an hour before I realize I still have to run back. Running helps me clear my head, the adrenaline rush pushing thoughts out of my head. I don’t run home though. Instead I land at the steps of Kelley’s front porch, drenched in sweat. I don’t knock, I just sit. I sit and think about the conversation I’m about to have. Think about what I want to say to her, what I hope she’ll say to me.

“Shit, Sonny. You scared the crap out of me.” I whip around, hoping for Kelley. It’s Alex. She walks out of the house, still her sweats and a mug of coffee in her hand.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you? I can come back later.” I move to get up.

“No, you’re fine. I like to sit outside in the mornings. Don’t usually have company though.” She smiles.

“Oh... I can go. I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

“Son, come sit with me.” She gestured towards the small table on the porch and I follow. “Do you want any coffee? Tea? Maybe some water?” She looks at my sweat-drenched clothes.

“I’m okay, thanks.” My hands fidget in my lap.

“I’m sorry she showed up like that. I’ve been trying to keep an eye on her, but she didn’t come home the night before.” I stiffen at the thought of her spending the night with someone besides me and Alex sees it. “Oh, Sonny. No, it’s not like that. I’m sorry. She showed up at the soccer house at like 3:00 in the morning, but by the time I got there to pick her up, she was gone again. Then she showed up at your door. Honestly, who knows how long she sat there.”

“She was drinking.” Is all I can say.

“Yeah. She’s been trying to cope. But yesterday was the worst I’d seen her.”

“But why? Why yesterday?”

“I think she was trying to muster up the courage to go to the game. To see you.” Alex says the last part quietly.

“Well, it obviously didn’t work.” I’m looking back down at my hands.

“No, I suppose it didn’t. But, like I told you before, this wasn’t easy on her either.”

“But Alex, if you and everyone say I didn’t do anything wrong, why does she think I did? Why did she ignore me for weeks?” I’m pleading with her and I can feel the tears coming back.

“You’ll have to ask her, Son.”

“Why do you think she ignored me?” This begging that comes out of my mouth feels so completely foreign.

“I think that she was angry at first, and then too embarrassed to say anything. Kelley’s pride has always been an issue for her. And I think, deep down, she knew what you did was for her own good, but she has trouble admitting she was wrong.” It sounds analytical, like she’s given this speech before. But, before I can retort, she front door clicks open and Kelley steps out into the sun.

She’s wearing a pair of old grey sweatpants, the ones with fraying ends, and a navy t-shirt. I do a double-take and realize that’s _my_ navy t-shirt. She had borrowed it one day after spending the night in my dorm, citing that she couldn’t show up to class in yesterday’s clothes. But a part of me knew she wanted something of mine to take with her, especially since my collection of her clothes was starting to pile up. Her hair is pulled into a messy bun with stray pieces sticking out in every direction, like she’d been tossing and turning in her sleep. Her eyes are hooded and have dark circles under them. Maybe she’s sleeping just about as much as I am.

It takes a moment before she realizes I’m there as well, her eyes going wide when she does. “Em? What are you doing here?”

“Well, Kel, you showed up at her door drunk off your ass last night. She came to check on you.” If a sentence could sound like an eye-roll, it was that one.

“What? I did?” She doesn’t remember, _great._

 _“_ Well, I’ve checked on you. I’ll see you later, Alex.” I move to get up from the table.

“No, wait.” Kelley blurts. “Stay. Em, please?” As if I could refuse her anything. I sit back down in my chair. Alex gets up and offers her seat. She winks at me before walking inside, closing the door behind her.

“Did I really show up at your place last night?” There’s an uptick to her voice.

“Yeah. Sam and I came back from dinner after the game and there you were. I don’t know how long you were there, but you were asleep.” I can’t meet her eye, pulling my knee to my chest in the chair.

“Shit, I’m so sorry, Em. I didn’t realize I drank that much. I didn’t mean to.”

“Didn’t mean to drink or didn’t mean to show up at my door?” I say flatly.

“What?” She sounds confused.

“You said you didn’t mean to. Didn’t mean to get that drunk? Or didn’t mean to show up at my door?”

She doesn’t immediately respond, like she hasn’t thought about it that way. “Both?”

“Don’t guess, Kelley.”

“I don’t know. Em...”

“I shouldn’t have come here.” I get up out of my chair and make my way to the stairs, but then she grabs my hand.

“Emily, please. Please don’t go.” Now she’s the one with tears in her eyes, her thumb tracing those familiar patterns.

Instead of going back to the table, I sit right where I am, on the steps. She follows me, never letting go of my hand. She sits close to me, close enough to be shoulder to shoulder. For a while, we just sit, not saying anything while she holds my hand. It fits so comfortably in mine it feels like a part of me that I’d lost.

“I’m sorry, Kel.” Finally, I have to break the silence. She turns her head to look at me.

“Oh, Em.” Her grip tightens on my hand. “You have nothing to be sorry about. I just... I just don’t know how... I didn’t know what to do. I have been terrified of her for the past three years, I’d forgotten what it was like before then. But then, the freedom felt like too much and I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t pull you down with me.” Her voice trembles just a bit.

“I know how to swim.” I turn to look at her, tears flowing from those beautiful hazel eyes. “Kelley, let me help you. I can’t sit here and wait for you to feel like you want me.”

“it’s not about want, Em. God, I want you so bad, all the time. But I don’t deserve you, not right now.” She shakes her head.

“Stop making excuses, Kelley!” I rip my hand away from hers. “Either you want to be with me, or you don’t. It’s that simple. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows and it takes hard work, but that’s what you do if you love somebody!” I can feel her jerk a little next to me.

“What did you say?” She asked, bewildered.

“I love you, Kelley. I don’t know how else to show you. You can’t keep pushing me away. You have to let me in, all the way in. But if you can’t do that, we’re not doing what I thought we were.” I keep looking straight ahead.

“You... you love me? Look at me, Emily.” I turn to her.

“Yeah, I do. A whole lot. But I will not be your sometimes.” Suddenly, without any time for me to think, her hand is curling around my neck and she pulls me in, crashing her lips on mine. Her tongue pushes into my mouth. It’s needy, it’s passionate, but it has to stop. I pull away from the kiss, putting my willpower to the test. “Kelley, you can’t just kiss me, and everything goes away. That’s not how this works.”

“Em, please. I don’t know how else to tell you...”

“What about how you show it? Showing up blackout drunk at my doorstep is not you, Kel, it’s not. Or if it is, if this is a new version of you, I don’t know if I can handle that.” It hurts, so much, to say these things to her, but I have to start sticking up for myself.

“Em, don’t push me away!” She pleads, reaching for my hand again.

“Push you away? Kelley, I am holding on for dear life. I need you to need me back, I need to know you’re in this with me. Through good times and bad.” My own trembling has stopped.

“I don’t know how to be in a real relationship, Em. Even before, with you, I felt like I didn’t deserve you. I don’t know how to explain it but Hope always made me feel like being with her was a privilege, like I needed to earn her time.”

“But I’m not her, Kel! You can’t punish me for something she did. I’m so happy you’re figuring all this stuff out, but you shutting me out hurts, it really hurts.” Now I’m crying. She doesn’t say anything at first, just wraps her arms around me, laying her head on my shoulder.

“I’m so sorry, Em. Everything you said, I’m so sorry.” Her tears soak my shirt, mixing with the sweat from the run that seems like a lifetime ago. “Please, forgive me. Please.”

I take in her smell, the lingering smell of that honey shampoo, of her laundry detergent that smells like clean linen. I think about that first day, after our team meeting. “ _I like Emily better.”_ About going to that party, dancing with her. I think about seeing her in her hospital bed, fragile in more ways than one. I think about our first time, about curling into her body afterwards. I think about how easy it was to fall in love with her, how badly I’d missed her and how right it felt to have her arms back around me. I never want to let them go.

“Of course, I forgive you, Kel.” I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding in. I turn to look at her, she immediately pulls me into another kiss, and I sink into it. It feels so right, like I found of piece of me that I didn’t know was missing. Finally, we pull apart, both of us breathing heavily.

“I’m sorry I can’t say it back. Not yet anyways.” She drops her eyes, avoiding my gaze.

“Say what?” I ask.

“I love you. I really think I do, but those words were held over my head for too long. I need time.” She’s curling inward again.

“Hey, Kel.” I cup her chin and lift her eyes up to me. “That is okay. I would never pressure you into saying it. As long as you’re here with me, I can wait. Just don’t disappear on me.” I smile and kiss her again. “Man, I missed that.”

“Me too.” She smiles back at me. “Come on, let’s go do something today. The weather is so nice.”

“Kel, when is the weather not nice in Palo Alto?” I joke, standing up, her hand in mine.

She wrinkles her nose before standing with me. “True. But before we go, you need a shower. You smell awful.” She giggles. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” She leads me into the house.

“Nice shirt, by the way.” I wink and Kelley’s face flushes red as she smiles shyly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed being a fly on the wall as they work through their issues and go through all the emotions. If so, let me know!


	14. I Think I’m Gonna Like It Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Gross! Not at the dinner table!”
> 
> —  
> Title comes from the musical, Annie

My birthday falls over our Thanksgiving break and Kelley is coming. It’s only about an hour between our hometowns and a week is too long to not see her. It’s crazy how close we grew up to each other, but it took moving across the country for us to meet. We discovered that we played in a lot of the same tournaments in Georgia and even played against each other for the high school state championship Kelley’s senior year (my team won, by the way). She told me the night before that she was excited to meet my family. It’s only then that I realize she hasn’t, it feels like we’ve been together forever now, though it’s only been a few months. Not that her meeting my parents should be any big deal, I talk about her to them incessantly, or so my dad says.

When she climbs out of her car that day, I jump into her arms, wrapping my legs around her waist and burying my face into her neck. “You’re here.”

“Miss me much?” I can feel her smile against my skin, her arms grabbing my thighs to keep me up. I pull back a little, until were face to face.

“Eh.” I shrug, barely able to hide my smile.

“Don’t make me drop you.”

“You wouldn’t dare. Not on my birthday!” I lean back in and she kisses me.

“Happy birthday, my sweet girl.” She smiles into the kiss.

“Ahem...” Someone coughs in the background. I turn around and see parents standing in the doorway. Kelley drops me so fast; I barely have time to land on my feet. I grab Kelley’s hand and lead her up the walkway.

“Mom, Dad, this is Kelley.” I can’t hide my smile anymore, which makes my mom smile too.

“Mr. and Ms. Sonnett, it’s so nice to finally meet you.” Kelley gives my hand a squeeze before dropping it, stepping forward to shake by dad’s hand. She goes to shake my mom’s hand too, but my mom pulls her into a tight hug.

“Oh, sweetheart, we’re big huggers here.” She laughs.

And it’s that easy. For the rest of the day, we sit out on the back porch in the sun, swapping stories. Well, really, my parents telling Kelley all my embarrassing childhood stories, and Kelley eats it up. Emma returns home, having been out for a birthday lunch with her boyfriend. She and Kelley immediately take to one another, Emma vowing to divulge all the embarrassing moments my parents didn’t know about. Later that night, we gather around the dining room table for my birthday feast, takeout from Waffle House. Obviously not the same as eating the restaurant, but still delicious.

Soon enough, it’s present time! My sister and I made a pact when we were younger that we’d only give each other money as a gift. Of course, when we were eight, me gifting her five dollars was like winning the lottery. So now, we give each other $50, which I usually use to buy her Christmas present. I’ve been waiting and waiting for Kelley’s gift, which she slides in front of me, smirking. It’s a small teal gift bag with tissue paper sticking out perfectly. Of course, she’s good at gifts, of course. I rip out the paper and pull out a small, ornate picture frame.

“Kel...”

“Well, look at the picture!” She goads.

I flip the frame around and look at the picture. If I was standing, I might have dropped and broken it. It’s from a game after Kelley’s injury, one we battled hard and won. This picture shows her, leaning over the railing in the stands and smiling down at me. It’s a candid, neither of us looking at the camera, but it sums up our relationship. It’s a small moment but it means so much.

“How did you...?”

“Alex’s mom took it.” She smiles, wrapping her arm around me. “She thought I might want it.”

“I love it, Kel.” I turn and kiss her.

“Gross! Not at the dinner table! Jesus, Emily.” My sister squeals.

That night, the whole family is watching some mindless sitcom with the fireplace roaring. Kelley and I sit opposite my parents on separate couches while my sister sprawled on the floor. Kelley laid with her head in my lap while I stroked her hair. It’s so incredibly domestic and it feels so right. Having her here with me, it’s so perfect. Suddenly, she turns her head towards my mom and dad.

“Mr. And Mrs. Sonnett, would it be alright if I stayed the night tonight? It’s getting late but I’m having such a wonderful time. If not, that is totally fine. I should probably get going.” She rambles without waiting for their response.

“Kelley, honey, sit back down.” My mom explains. “I thought you staying was obvious. I made Emily clean up her room yesterday. You would not believe the mess she can make in a just a few days.” My whole face goes red and Kelley smiles.

“Thank you very much.”

“No funny business though.” My dad says and I think I might melt right on the spot from pure embarrassment. “The walls are thin in this house.” Kelley is frozen in her seat.

“Yes, sir.”

My mom lightly smacks him on the arm. “Don’t listen to him, Kelley, he thinks he’s a tough guy but he’s a total softie. Emily’s room is all made up for the both of you.”

About an hour later, my parents head up to bed and Emma had left again to go out with some friends, leaving just the two of us. Kelley snuggles into me more, pressing into my side while I trace circles on her knees while we sit. “You bring a lot of girls home?”

It’s not accusatory, but there is a longing behind it. “Ha! No, you’re the first, Kel.”

Her eyes widen. “Wait, really? But your parents...”

“Are really cool.” I cut her off. “Are yours not?”

Kelley’s expression sags in just the tiniest way. “They’re not _not cool_ , I guess. They know about, well, you know.”

“About you being gay?” It’s a question but it comes out more like a statement.

“Yeah, they know. But they don’t acknowledge it at all. I told my mom once about going on a date with Hope and she dismissed it immediately. So, no I’ve never brought a girl home or had a girl meet my parents.” Her eyes drop down, not wanting to meet my eyes. I cup her chin in my hand, forcing her to meet my eyes.

“Well, I’d like to meet them whenever you’re ready.”

“Thanks, Em.” I reach down and kiss her.

Soon, it’s quite late and Kelley is fast asleep in my lap. It’s soothing to listen to her measured breathing, to watch her chest rise and fall. I nudge her lightly, trying to gently wake her. “Kel, come on babe, let’s go to bed. It’s much more comfortable upstairs.”

She makes a noncommittal noise before standing up. She takes my hand and follows me up the stairs. My childhood bedroom is nothing special, I’m sure there are thousands that look just like it. I give Kelley a set of sweatpants and a T-shirt to change into while I brush my teeth. She fumbles her way into the bathroom while I finish getting ready for bed. When she comes back, I pull her into my bed and wrap myself around her.

“Did you have a good birthday?” She asks, stroking my back, absentmindedly.

“I think this one might have been the best. And that’s saying something. For our 10th birthday, my parents took us to Disney for the whole weekend.”

“Yeah?” She smiles. “Why do you think that is?”

“I don’t know, I mean the cake was really good…” I joke back.

She curls into me, leaving a soft kiss on the top of my head. “Happy birthday, Em.” And we drift off to sleep.

***

NCAA championship. I can’t believe I’m here, I’m a freshman starting in the national championship. We’re facing off against UNC, the powerhouse of women’s soccer. They had recruited me but when Stanford came calling, it was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. Tobin likes to talk about how UNC offered her everything but the kitchen sink to get her to come there.

I spot Kelley in the stands, sitting with my parents and Emma, wearing my red jersey. I could see her smile from my position on the field. I shoot her a thumbs up just before the game begins.

It’s 0-0 at the end of extra time. We have to go into penalty kicks now. It kind of sucks, knowing that we had more shots of target and created more chances. Now it’s all down to mind games and perfect goalkeeping. Not that I didn’t have faith in Ashlyn, because I absolutely did. Suddenly, coach pulls me out of my thoughts.

“Sonnett, you’re going third.” My eyes all but pop out of my head.

“What? But I’m a defender…” I gape at her.

“And? You have a damn good left foot.” Coach says, as if my persistence was not warranted.

And so the shoot out is under way. Both teams sink their first two shots. The player for UNC steps up and blasts the ball just wide. Great, now the pressure is on me to give us a lead. I step up to the ball, staring down the goalie. I wait, probably just long enough before the ref was going to take action. The UNC goalie is bouncing up and down, waiting for me. Penalty kicks are all mental. Finally, I give a short run up to the ball and tap with my left foot. The goalie falls to the right while my shot sinks into the left corner of the net. We’re up.

After what felt like hours, we win. We won! A national championship! The team dog-piles each other and we raise the trophy in the air. There’s confetti and silly string flying everywhere. I find my family in the crowd and we hug and we cry tears of joy. And there, waiting in the wings, is Kelley. She’s beaming at me, waiting for her turn to hug me. But I don’t just hug her. With my arms around her waist and hoist her up and she wraps her legs around my waist, leaning in to kiss me.

“I’m so proud of you, Em.” She smiles into the kiss. “You are incredible.”

I don’t say anything at first, just wanting to kiss her. “This is yours too, you know. You’re a part of this team.”

“I know, but this one is yours. We’ll just have to do it again next year.” She winks. She was finally out of her boot and had just started physical therapy.

“I guess so.”

We have to ride the team bus back to campus, where we’d be greeted by students and faculty. Kelley promised she’d be back tonight as well. My parents and sister were staying at a hotel near the field and flying back to Georgia in the morning.

We pull into the parking lot and there’s a huge crowd of people waiting to cheer us on. There’s more silly string and even some cleverly disguised champagne. While some of the girls are wired and ready to head out to the bars and drink for free, all I want is to go home. As I start the trek from the athletic center to my dorm, a car pulls up beside me.

“Hey, hot stuff! Need a ride?” Kelley shouts. I climb in the passenger side. “Wow, it’s like I’m driving a celebrity. Where to, madam?” She smiles.

“Can we just go to your place?” I sigh, laying my head back against the seat rest.

“I’ll have you there in jiffy!”

“Thanks, Jeeves.”

We pull up to Kelley’s apartment complex and she takes my bags. When I go to help, she swats my hand away. “No way, champions don’t carry their own luggage.”

She dumps everything just inside the front door, preferring to deal with it all in the morning. She takes my hand and pulls me into her room, knocking it closed with her good ankle. She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me hard.

“I asked Alex to stay at Serv’s tonight.” She whispers in my ear in between kisses.

“Oh did you now? Awfully presumptuous, Kel.” I smile into the kiss, my hands finding the skin just above the waist of her jeans.

“Thought you’d want to celebrate.”

“What if we’d lost?”

“Then I would have wanted to make you feel better.” Her lips leave mine and find their way to my neck. I angle myself to give her the most access possible.

“You always make me feel better, Kel.” My hands slide under her top (still in my jersey) and my nails rake along her abs, her breath hitches for just a moment.

She walks us back until my knees hit the bed and she lays me back gently. “Well now I want to make you feel good. Champions deserve the best.” I’m panting now and she climbs on top of me.

She pulls off my T-shirt, her hands wandering over my chest before slipping her fingers under the band of my sports bra and lifting it over my head. She leans down to kiss the space between my breasts, eliciting a whine from me. Her hands slide down to the waist of my sweats.

“Off. Now.” She says and I lift my hips to help her slide them off. And then I realize I’m completely naked and she’s still fully clothed.

“Not fair.” I groan, fumbling for the butting of her jeans. I slide my hands under her waistband and she shudders, then takes my hand back. “Too many clothes.”

She slides her jeans and underwear off slowly, teasing just a little. But when she goes to take her top off, an idea jumps into my head.

“Keep it on.” She cocks her head to the side. “It’s hot, you wearing my jersey.” I gasp, reaching to bring her back on top of me. She waggles her eyebrows suggestively.

“Oh, you like it, huh? Seeing your name on my back?” I can only nod, her hands roaming my inner thighs. “That’s so fucking sexy, Em.” She leans forward, kissing me again. Her tongue finds its way inside my mouth and then her hands sip lower.

“Kelley…” is all I can gasp.

“I’m going to make you feel good, baby.”

She keeps kissing me as her fingers slip inside, my hips bucking into her touch. Slowly, she pulls away from the kiss, her mouth working it’s way down my chest, to my abdomen, and then lower.

“Fuck! That’s it Kel, fuck…” My hips move with her rhythm, but then her mouth presses against me and I don’t stand a chance. I fist her hair in my hand as she works and soon, I’m coming. “Fuck, fuck, yes Kelley, fuck baby.” Expletives escape my mouth as I cry out.

As I come down, she slowly slides her fingers out and crashes her lips on mine, allowing me to taste myself on her lips.

“You’re so fucking good, Kel.” I pant into her neck. ”And you look fucking good in my jersey.” I maneuver us until now, I’m straddling her.

“Got to show my support for my favorite player.” She giggles.

My hands slide under her shirt and her breath catches. Slowly, I make my way down with my hands, Kelley squirming underneath me. Soon, my fingers are inside her and she all but screams, her nails digging into my shoulders. “Em… oh fuck, shit. Yes, that’s it baby!”

I collapse next to her on the bed. She leans into me, tucking her head against my collarbone.

“Well, I think we should always celebrate like that!” I joke, breathlessly.

“Absolutely.” She smiles. “Hey, Em?”

“Hmm?” I hum.

“I love you.” It’s like I can actually see the weight lifting off her shoulders and I just stare at her.

“You what?” Unable to hide my smile.

“I love you, Emily Sonnett. A whole lot.” Now she’s smiling.

“Yeah?” She nods. “I love you too, Kelley O’Hara. I think we have something else to celebrate now.” And I pull her into another kiss.

I think we’re going to be just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s all folks! Be on the lookout for an epilogue coming soon! Now that we’re all stuck inside, hopefully I’ll be starting something new after that!


	15. P.S. You Rock My World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I know, but this one is special, just you and me.”
> 
> \--  
> Title is Eels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An epilogue of sorts.

**Three years later.**

“Emily Ann Sonnett.” 

I hear my name and I walk across the stage and accept my diploma. As I’m walking, I hear loud whooping coming from the back of the small auditorium and it makes me smile. I squint my eyes in the light and see my cheering section. Alex, Ashlyn, Tobin, and Allie are all standing up and clapping. At the very end of the row, I see Kelley standing on her chair and dancing. As I walk down the steps, I watch her run from the usher who told her to get down. I spend the whole rest of the ceremony with my head turned in all different directions, watching her run from security and I try my best not to burst out into hysterical laughter. Picture Heath Ledger singing to Julia Stiles in _10 Things I Hate About You._

When the ceremony ends, I find my family. And by family, I don’t just mean biologically. Alongside my parents were my teammates, friends, and Kelley. Kelley who had flown back to California for the weekend. Kelley, who was taking time away from her job to see me walk across the stage. Kelley, who I’d tried so hard to convince it wasn’t necessary for her to come. 

“Kelley, I walk across a stage and get a piece of paper. You should know, you’ve done it before.” 

“Bold of you to assume I remember my graduation ceremony. We started drinking when the sun came up. _You should know_ , you were there.” The last part of her sentence is sarcastic, mocking me. 

I snort. “How about you just use the money to fly me out to you? We can recreate the whole thing in your living room.” 

“As much fun as that sounds babe, I want to be there. You’re going to look so cute in your cap and gown.” She grins and scrunches her nose in the FaceTime screen. 

“Oh yeah, black polyester is really my best look.” I joke. 

“You look great in everything, Em.” She softens just a bit. 

“Well, I guess it would be nice to show off that I’m dating a celebrity.” 

This time Kelley snorts. “I’m not a celebrity, Em.” 

“Um, correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you a professional athlete? Playing in a professional league? Some might even call it the most competitive league in the world.” 

“But I’m not a celebrity. I’m just playing soccer.” I can see her blushing in the camera. 

“So, Kobe isn’t a celebrity? He ‘just plays basketball’. Or Lebron? Mia ‘I just play soccer’ Hamm? I think not.” 

“Alright, alright, you made your point ma’am.” 

“Just remember this afterwards. I plan on referring to you as ‘my celebrity girlfriend’ for the entire time you’re here. Last chance to cancel.” 

“Emily. The team will fine without me for a weekend, I promise. I want to see you graduate. I kind of like you.” She smiles. 

“Aw shucks, Kel. I kind of like you too.” 

Kelley had been drafted into the NWSL after college and now lived in New Jersey, just outside of New York. I had visited her when she first moved, and she’d taken me on a tour around the city. It was really tough on me, her being across the country, but Kelley was thriving. 

Over the now three years we’ve been together, I’ve seen every inch of Kelley, both figuratively _and biblically_. I’ve been awed by her work ethic, watching her fight back from her injury and making it back into the starting lineups. Her senior season she played pretty much every position on the field, filling in wherever needed. Coach joked once about putting her in goal and she didn’t balk at it. 

I’ve seen her confidence grow. Not confidence in her playing, that was never her issue. Her confidence in herself, taking the lead in her life, and in our relationship. There are moments, every once in a while, that cause her question herself and her worth. And I’m grateful every day that she wants me there to talk her off the ledge. 

Once we meet up after my graduation ceremony, I’m immediately wrapped in a bear hug. “Our baby’s all growed up!” Alex cries. Suddenly, I’m dogpiled by Tobin and Ash as well. 

“Sonny, you did it!” 

“That’s my girl!” 

Then a voice cuts in. “Hey! She’s my girl! Hands off, you animals.” Kelley pulls me into a tight hug, resting her head in the crook of my shoulder. “I’m so proud of you, babe. I love you.” She leaves a kiss on my neck before pulling back. “You weren’t kidding when you said black polyester was your look. Twirl for me, let’s get the full effect!” 

After hours of pictures and stopping at everyone’s grad parties, my family takes me out to dinner with Kelley. We do gifts and my parents talk about how happy they are for me but how sad they are that they have to leave so soon because Emma’s graduation is in two days back in Georgia. I was supposed to go, but with Kelley coming here for me, Emma told me to stay in California. Actually, what she said was “Your girlfriend is flying across the country to see you. Trust me, she doesn’t actually care about the ceremony. Just make sure mom and dad are staying in a hotel.” 

So, after dinner, Kelley and I send my parents off and make our way back to my apartment. Splitting a pint of ice cream, we sit on the couch and snuggle in close. It’s been a few months since we’ve gotten to spend any real time together, and it’s nice to just _sit._ I rest my head on her shoulder and she lays her head on top of mine. 

“How are you feeling about it?” It. _It._

Portland. I participated in the draft earlier in the year and was drafted by Portland. Of course, I’m super stoked about it. Playing on a stacked team in front to the best fans is going to be awesome. But it means that Kelley and I will stay on opposite coasts for the foreseen future and that makes me upset. We've been doing it for almost two years, and I was hoping that I’d get to play closer to her. 

“The same.” I shrug, hiding my face between her shoulder and the couch. 

“Just think how much fun it’s going to be to play against each other, we’ve never done that!” She shakes me, smiling. 

“Not as fun as playing with you.” 

“Yeah, but we have the rest of our lives for that, Em. Don’t worry so much, you’ll be sick of me soon anyways.” She wraps me in her arms. 

“Never.” I mumble into her neck. 

“Oooh, I almost forgot! I have a graduation gift for you!” 

“Kel, you already gave me one.” 

“I know, but this one is special, just you and me.” 

“Kelley, we’ve had the sex toys talk before.” 

“Get your mind out of the gutter, darling! Although, we should revisit that conversation...” She paused her run to her bag midway through. 

“Kelley!” I can’t help but laugh. 

She comes running back to the couch with a little brown bag, no gift wrap, tissue or anything. I open it and pull out a small silver key. 

“Even though we can’t be together all the time, I wanted you to know how much I love you and how proud I am of you. That’s a key to my apartment in Jersey. It’s there whenever you need it, whenever you need me. It’s not really home without you, so I wanted you to have a piece of it.” She looks at me, trying to gauge my reaction. All I can do is start crying. “Oh, Em, I’m sorry. I thought you would like it. Baby, please don’t cry. This is a happy day.” 

“I love it.” I wipe away my tears. “I love it so much, Kel.” I pull her into a hug. “I love you, so much.” 

“I love you too.” She plants a kiss on my lips, pulling me in even closer. “Now, about the sex toys...” I kiss her again just to shut her up. 

_And all was well_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all she wrote, folks! I hope you enjoyed the journey with these two. This was my first foray into writing like this and I'm so happy with the positive comments and reactions. Now that we're all stuck inside for the foreseeable future, I'm hoping to start something new. If you have requests/suggestions, please let me know!


End file.
